And G-U-I-L-T-Y Was her Name-o
Recap:
On Thurs.
Mar 15, 2012, I started this journey with the Weight is Over
program, created by Jason
Whitney. The program reboots your
pancreas. The first few days were a
challenge, but since then I haven’t been hungry, its easy to follow and I AM
SEEING RESULTS! Seriously I am the weakest being on the planet people, if I can
do this, you certainly can!
Holly Bawly
So Sammi is amazing, she was so cute for Easter. She loved the bunny ducks she got and all her
other fun things. And of course she
looked beautiful as she always does. So
fun to have the first Easter?
So why can I not stop crying? I feel like I’m so overreacting, like I’m on
my period or pregnant which neither of which is true.
Do you ever just feel like you failed at like everything
lately? And it’s one thing if you weren’t
trying, but when you really gave it all you had, and you failed, somewhere it
feels worse.
Like the most important thing to me in the world is being a
mom, and I accidentally let her fall today.
Thank God she is okay, but its hard not playing the what if game. Then sometimes I feel guilty for studying
when I could be playing with her, and I keep wondering should I really be going
to school right now? It seemed so right
at the time, and its too late to go back now, so I need to make the most of
it. I guess I am just sad she is growing
up so fast. She is going to be one in 2
months. How is that possible? I just focus on enjoying every moment, which
is why the whole school thing is hard.
Not just for that but also because I feel like I’m not doing
my ‘wifely’ duties lol. I’m so tired and
I nag more. I just feel like I don’t do
as much for him anymore because of studying.
It’s so hard trying to do it all, which is hilarious because I have ONE
baby. Kudos to you women out there with
several kids. I know I don’t even have a
clue yet. And Adam is awesome to take
Sammi to bed. We have a pretty good
system down. We spend time together in
the mornings during the week and after I get her from the babysitters I play
with her for about an hour and then I study until Adam comes home and I do
dinner. Then we hang out with Sammi for
about an hour, then she goes to bed.
I don’t really know what the catalyst was this weekend, but
I find myself so weak and weepy at everything.
Things that would normally make me shrug and I maybe would be bugged for
a minute and forget in 5 minutes are bringing me to tears.
It was my turn to do Easter.
It’s always so hard trying to figure out the best time. Unfortunately only 2 of us have houses on my
family’s side so Jen and I trade off hosting.
I guess with school and everything it was just hard this year.
I was seriously optimistic, thinking everything would be
great. My attitude was awesome. I had everything planned to the t. Because some have expressed how they didn’t
like celebrating holidays not on the holiday, I thought this time we would for
sure celebrate it on the holiday. But
then my sister wasn’t going to have the kids today, so we split it out having
the Easter Egg Hunt yesterday and the luncheon today. I okayed the time with my family and then
with Adam’s and all was golden. Friday
night had been awesome as we went out for our anniversary.
I couldn’t have been more prepared really. All seemed almost too easy. We were bringing stuffed mushrooms to both
family parties and a breakfast casserole to Easter breakfast at my in-laws. I did everything I could to make it so that I
wouldn’t be stressed and I could do as much before if at all possible. My eggs for the Easter egg hunt and our
easter treats for everyone were done way in advance. So yesterday morning we
prepared the mushrooms, all but stuffing them.
After cleaning etc, my family came and the Easter egg hunt was
awesome. We had snacks outside and then
everyone stayed late playing Kinect sports which was so much fun. Seriously had a blast with the family. After that I made Sammi’s and my Easter
bonnet for the next day for Adam’s family’s party.
Then today everything just went to pot somehow. I got up at 5:30 and got the casserole in the
oven, got the ham in the crock-pot and stuffed a zillion mushrooms. I did more than usual for both parties as we
always seem to run out. We then had our
own family Easter and got ready, took longer than expected so we were a little
late at the breakfast at his mom’s.
Everything was going kind of late.
They are so sweet to get us a basket Adam and I to share and all this
fun stuff for Sammi. It was so much
fun. Then a comment from a couple of
people just really got to me and I had to go to the car and cry. I’d tried so hard to make everyone happy and
get to all of the parties. So we were
late for the party being at our own house.
Thankfully Laurie only had to wait 5 minutes and thankfully everyone
else was late. We had a nice lunch with
my family and had fun outside again.
Then the other family party (Adam’s extended family party) was at
2. They knew we would be a little
late. I was so emotional still and just
couldn’t get over things. Then of course
feeling stupid guilty again (oh my hell I hate guilt-hate that I feel it, even
when I know I shouldn’t its still there) for being late and then that’s when I
dropped Sammi. Good Lord. Could it get any worse for my emotions today? Other stupid things not even worth mentioning
have been hurting my feel-bads all day and night. Its insane.
Yesterday I did so good on the diet, today I waivered. I had some breakfast casserole that I shouldn’t
have, a bite of cake, and a roll for goodness sake today. That’s so many carbs I want to cry lol. But Adam just reminded me that when I have
gone off other diets I eat a huge piece of cake, candy, and like lots of pizza
or something before I go back on, so he reminded me this time is
different. He said he knows I won’t
cheat again except maybe on huge holidays but just a little. That made me feel good and I know he is
right. This time is different.
I don’t why the hell Holly Bawly is back in my life lately,
but she can cry all she wants to, I’m still getting focused, getting my life
back. Drink water, follow the diet, and
exercise. That’s how I roll know (stupid
bread roll lol)
