All about the Friday...

Here is my video for me to watch for tomorrow. This will encourage me to DO it! No more excuses. No more waiting for a show. No more waiting until after the next damn holiday or next Monday. DO IT NOW!

 

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I wonder if blogging has replaced my journal and is just now a bitching session. For those of you looking for a pick-me-up, I’m sorry but you will have to google chicken soup for the soul or go watch Pollyanna cuz this post will only drag you down. I haven’t even been blogging lately for the stupidest reason. I’ve been trying for a reality show and I keep getting worried at how it will be perceived. Like on the rare cases where I’m doing good, I figure they will think I wont need it, or on my usual days (sadly), they’ll think I’m just beyond hope. I guess I just don’t care anymore. And that is the problem. Sometimes I just feel like why even bother? All those times I’ve worked my ass off, and yet then I just f%@k it up a little bit later. It’s a vicious cycle and just no longer seems worth the effort. This week has been so hard and then today I was doing kind of better and then at work they wanted to go to JCW for shakes for our meeting. Oh man that was the last straw for me today. I went but bitched about it and was just so frustrated. Don’t you get people that it’s like taking an alcoholic to a bar??!!! But no, I can’t be a bitch and it’s not all about me so we go and I get to watch people eat thick shakes. I’m sure I couldn’t hide how annoyed and livid I was. Do you ever just feel like you aren’t doing anything right at all?!! I feel like I’m so depressed lately I’m sucking at being a Mom. Sammi deserves a happy Mom. I haven’t been teaching her pre-school stuff lately. She isn’t potty trained yet (fail, fail, fail). I can’t even begin to say the ways I’ve failed as a wife. Poor, poor Adam. I feel like I will never lose the weight. Why even bother trying. I try so hard – put everything into it only to fail. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t try and fail anymore. I guess I’m just doomed to disappoint, be miserable and be pretty much horrible because try as I might I just f*#k everything up.

the truth

I smile most the time but its just a lie. I will never understand how a woman with such an amazing husband and daughter can be so unhappy. What right have I? But yet I'm miserable from the time I wake up. Work is insufferable. And I'm so sick of the pain. Emotional and physical. I don't want to do anything. The house is a disaster. And yet I just don't want to do anything. Just want to eat bad food. What a fool right? Missing my mom out of nowhere lately. Trying to keep my chin up but why is it so hard.

Fancy a bit of dark poetry?

I'm not poet, but hey I know it (hee hee).

In a dark place lately, but hey that's life.  I will get there!

The world creeps on with silent amusement

Mocking my pain in endless tones of mockery.

And I see no end or limit to its affect

Until I am drowning in the blood that flows freely from my heart

For I am gone, not one with life any longer.

As I sit and watch the endless chatter from the amusement box.

Watching others live lives more fake than mine.

For I have happiness but I can’t grasp it.

My soul to scarred to find it’s peace.

Wanting for it to have meaning

But feeling like a stranger here

Wasting away into nothingness until I fade and disappear into the night.

A figure of disenchantment who knew love but could only find misery

For the pain was overbearing, its onward, never ending.

Until my tears stop flowing, for nothing is left inside this soul.

Empty, empty like the air.

Longing for peace, but heavy-laden with despair and misery

Until my back is broken.

And I can no longer take the pain.

It searing through me like a knife.

Sjck of trying and failing, failing evermore.

Is there no end to this darkness?

A figure weakened and soft

Will I die from it’s misery?

Oh life, don’t swallow me up in shadows

I beg thee for thy pity.

Help me bear it all again so I can shed the burden once and for all.

For it must be, it has to be, or all is vain.

And failure cannot be.

Less the journey be in waste.

Albeit crawling I will trudge onwards

Into the muddy sorrow of it all

Though the end be ever distant

I will bear the burden no longer

Let it end – let it DIE

Oh me, I will find rescue.

Strength thus hidden will be freed.

 

Climb every mountain!

So today I’m feeling more empowered than I have in weeks!  Sure, I really really like REALLY wanted McDonald’s sausage mcmuffins this morning (daily event lol), but I was okay not having them.  It helped that work has been so crazy busy so I’m not thinking about food and what I can stuff in my craw every second.

It feels good being more active – let me rephrase that – it hurts like hell PHYSICALLY (just as it always does), but emotionally I’m on a high baby!

I mean I’ve been so good all d ay and I got to eat steak and right now I’m eating a frozen banana covered in chocolate.  How is this a diet, eh?  And I’m under my calories! 

Had my hard-boiled eggs for breakfast and a Lean Cuisine and veggies for lunch.  It’s awesome!

 

I also feel really good about exercise because I went for an 18 minute walk at work and then 15 more with my dad tonight.  I even feel like doing more now but let’s see lol.  I can do this (even though sometimes I don’t think I can).

And can I just tell you that I love my daughter AND Halloween!  She is also loving Halloween - such a fun thing to share with her!

 

What in the name of sanity!

Well I haven’t been blogging proper for SO many days.

Sometimes when I’m down I am not keen on blogging – who wants to add more negativity to the world, eh?

When I’m not my goofy self, what am I offering?  I guess I’d rather add humor to one’s day than be seen as a hugely pathetic object.

One thing I do have to say for myself is that I haven’t quit.  When I have fallen down, I have gotten up and hell if that isn’t progress!

I had somewhat of a ‘break-down’ recently.  Oh dear heaven thank you for Adam.  He pretty much has a free ride back with you all for putting up with my shenanigans! 

And I feel bad too because I am so blessed and have Adam and Sammi.  What right have I to be depressed…but yet at times I find myself pulled into that sad darkness.

I start to feel listless and without purpose.  The road before me seeming ever so long – each step a pain like I have ever known and yet push on I know I must.  The painful path goes on for days, as if I will never escape it.  And I keep finding myself having following the exact opposite path in error for miles upon miles, and I it feels I lack the energy to retrace my steps and start anew.  Of these hundred miles, I have walked the first 10 for years, over and over until the tears spill again quite freely.

…..oh enough bizarre blubbering!  Everyone has their cross to bear.  We have good jobs – we make a good living.  My daughter is beautiful and intelligent I have all the other aspects of my health.

I can make this better!  And it isn’t easy and I can’t take back all the years I super screwed up.  Focus on the things I want and how I keep getting closer to it!

 

 

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Sometimes I'm blown away at how many damnable pills I take. Its seriously insane. I'm hoping one day it won't be so many! The pain is unbearable today and I'm experiencing one of the horrid side effects of one pill I'm about to quit.

I did do a little walking at work thank God. But its one of those nights I don't want to do anything. I just wanna sleep. Work has been wearing on me lately and I need to just be like a dude and let it roll off my back. I'm watching Extreme Weightloss and I so badly want to be on one of these shows! I so hope I get chosen for the Weight for Love show. I see these shows changing peoples lives and I really need that. Life is more than reading and watching Tv. I deserve to discover that firsthand and I will keep working hard to make it happen.

I was looking at the Biggest Loser Ranch in Utah and its way expensive, but if I save maybe I could make it happen! I just feel like with how much I have to lose, I need to do something major. I hope with Weight for Love I get this opportunity I'm so desperate for!

My goal tomorrow is to actually do my hair again lolz. Maybe I can't make the physical pain go away, but I can at least change my attitude about things. Chin up sister!