All about the Friday...

Here is my video for me to watch for tomorrow. This will encourage me to DO it! No more excuses. No more waiting for a show. No more waiting until after the next damn holiday or next Monday. DO IT NOW!

 

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I wonder if blogging has replaced my journal and is just now a bitching session. For those of you looking for a pick-me-up, I’m sorry but you will have to google chicken soup for the soul or go watch Pollyanna cuz this post will only drag you down. I haven’t even been blogging lately for the stupidest reason. I’ve been trying for a reality show and I keep getting worried at how it will be perceived. Like on the rare cases where I’m doing good, I figure they will think I wont need it, or on my usual days (sadly), they’ll think I’m just beyond hope. I guess I just don’t care anymore. And that is the problem. Sometimes I just feel like why even bother? All those times I’ve worked my ass off, and yet then I just f%@k it up a little bit later. It’s a vicious cycle and just no longer seems worth the effort. This week has been so hard and then today I was doing kind of better and then at work they wanted to go to JCW for shakes for our meeting. Oh man that was the last straw for me today. I went but bitched about it and was just so frustrated. Don’t you get people that it’s like taking an alcoholic to a bar??!!! But no, I can’t be a bitch and it’s not all about me so we go and I get to watch people eat thick shakes. I’m sure I couldn’t hide how annoyed and livid I was. Do you ever just feel like you aren’t doing anything right at all?!! I feel like I’m so depressed lately I’m sucking at being a Mom. Sammi deserves a happy Mom. I haven’t been teaching her pre-school stuff lately. She isn’t potty trained yet (fail, fail, fail). I can’t even begin to say the ways I’ve failed as a wife. Poor, poor Adam. I feel like I will never lose the weight. Why even bother trying. I try so hard – put everything into it only to fail. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t try and fail anymore. I guess I’m just doomed to disappoint, be miserable and be pretty much horrible because try as I might I just f*#k everything up.

the truth

I smile most the time but its just a lie. I will never understand how a woman with such an amazing husband and daughter can be so unhappy. What right have I? But yet I'm miserable from the time I wake up. Work is insufferable. And I'm so sick of the pain. Emotional and physical. I don't want to do anything. The house is a disaster. And yet I just don't want to do anything. Just want to eat bad food. What a fool right? Missing my mom out of nowhere lately. Trying to keep my chin up but why is it so hard.

Fancy a bit of dark poetry?

I'm not poet, but hey I know it (hee hee).

In a dark place lately, but hey that's life.  I will get there!

The world creeps on with silent amusement

Mocking my pain in endless tones of mockery.

And I see no end or limit to its affect

Until I am drowning in the blood that flows freely from my heart

For I am gone, not one with life any longer.

As I sit and watch the endless chatter from the amusement box.

Watching others live lives more fake than mine.

For I have happiness but I can’t grasp it.

My soul to scarred to find it’s peace.

Wanting for it to have meaning

But feeling like a stranger here

Wasting away into nothingness until I fade and disappear into the night.

A figure of disenchantment who knew love but could only find misery

For the pain was overbearing, its onward, never ending.

Until my tears stop flowing, for nothing is left inside this soul.

Empty, empty like the air.

Longing for peace, but heavy-laden with despair and misery

Until my back is broken.

And I can no longer take the pain.

It searing through me like a knife.

Sjck of trying and failing, failing evermore.

Is there no end to this darkness?

A figure weakened and soft

Will I die from it’s misery?

Oh life, don’t swallow me up in shadows

I beg thee for thy pity.

Help me bear it all again so I can shed the burden once and for all.

For it must be, it has to be, or all is vain.

And failure cannot be.

Less the journey be in waste.

Albeit crawling I will trudge onwards

Into the muddy sorrow of it all

Though the end be ever distant

I will bear the burden no longer

Let it end – let it DIE

Oh me, I will find rescue.

Strength thus hidden will be freed.

 

Climb every mountain!

So today I’m feeling more empowered than I have in weeks!  Sure, I really really like REALLY wanted McDonald’s sausage mcmuffins this morning (daily event lol), but I was okay not having them.  It helped that work has been so crazy busy so I’m not thinking about food and what I can stuff in my craw every second.

It feels good being more active – let me rephrase that – it hurts like hell PHYSICALLY (just as it always does), but emotionally I’m on a high baby!

I mean I’ve been so good all d ay and I got to eat steak and right now I’m eating a frozen banana covered in chocolate.  How is this a diet, eh?  And I’m under my calories! 

Had my hard-boiled eggs for breakfast and a Lean Cuisine and veggies for lunch.  It’s awesome!

 

I also feel really good about exercise because I went for an 18 minute walk at work and then 15 more with my dad tonight.  I even feel like doing more now but let’s see lol.  I can do this (even though sometimes I don’t think I can).

And can I just tell you that I love my daughter AND Halloween!  She is also loving Halloween - such a fun thing to share with her!

 

What in the name of sanity!

Well I haven’t been blogging proper for SO many days.

Sometimes when I’m down I am not keen on blogging – who wants to add more negativity to the world, eh?

When I’m not my goofy self, what am I offering?  I guess I’d rather add humor to one’s day than be seen as a hugely pathetic object.

One thing I do have to say for myself is that I haven’t quit.  When I have fallen down, I have gotten up and hell if that isn’t progress!

I had somewhat of a ‘break-down’ recently.  Oh dear heaven thank you for Adam.  He pretty much has a free ride back with you all for putting up with my shenanigans! 

And I feel bad too because I am so blessed and have Adam and Sammi.  What right have I to be depressed…but yet at times I find myself pulled into that sad darkness.

I start to feel listless and without purpose.  The road before me seeming ever so long – each step a pain like I have ever known and yet push on I know I must.  The painful path goes on for days, as if I will never escape it.  And I keep finding myself having following the exact opposite path in error for miles upon miles, and I it feels I lack the energy to retrace my steps and start anew.  Of these hundred miles, I have walked the first 10 for years, over and over until the tears spill again quite freely.

…..oh enough bizarre blubbering!  Everyone has their cross to bear.  We have good jobs – we make a good living.  My daughter is beautiful and intelligent I have all the other aspects of my health.

I can make this better!  And it isn’t easy and I can’t take back all the years I super screwed up.  Focus on the things I want and how I keep getting closer to it!

 

 

blah blah

Sometimes I'm blown away at how many damnable pills I take. Its seriously insane. I'm hoping one day it won't be so many! The pain is unbearable today and I'm experiencing one of the horrid side effects of one pill I'm about to quit.

I did do a little walking at work thank God. But its one of those nights I don't want to do anything. I just wanna sleep. Work has been wearing on me lately and I need to just be like a dude and let it roll off my back. I'm watching Extreme Weightloss and I so badly want to be on one of these shows! I so hope I get chosen for the Weight for Love show. I see these shows changing peoples lives and I really need that. Life is more than reading and watching Tv. I deserve to discover that firsthand and I will keep working hard to make it happen.

I was looking at the Biggest Loser Ranch in Utah and its way expensive, but if I save maybe I could make it happen! I just feel like with how much I have to lose, I need to do something major. I hope with Weight for Love I get this opportunity I'm so desperate for!

My goal tomorrow is to actually do my hair again lolz. Maybe I can't make the physical pain go away, but I can at least change my attitude about things. Chin up sister!

 

Weight for Love....a new chance for life for couples!

I am on such a high right now peeps!  I shared with you earlier how I tried out for a reality show – ‘Weight for Love’.  I don’t know what will happen and out of respect for the show I won’t share any details about the casting process and so forth.

I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it would be to be on a show like that!  I know people rag on reality shows and then I’ve heard about weight loss reality shows how people feel like them fatties are so exploited for the producers to make a buck.  I couldn’t disagree with that more.  Of course the show has to make money, but I think weight loss reality shows really help changes people’s lives!  It gives them a second chance.

It would be so incredible to be part of something like that.  I have no desire to be famous or anything, but I would LOVE the help!  I feel like I would work so hard, especially since people are watching!  I also think the premises is so fresh and cool.  No, I don’t relish the idea of being away from Adam for 6 months, but what an amazing motivator that would be!  (and honestly he has heard me complaining when I’m dieting-maybe it would be a nice break for him to not have to hear me complain about being tired and being sick of eating healthy lmao). 

The other thing is that I would LOVE to be an example to others.  I have felt very motivated and inspired by others on shows before.  I would love to show other fatties that they can do it.  Here I am pushing 500 pounds.  I know there are others like me who feel they are SO morbidly obese (my favorite term lol).  I guess my dream is to get healthy and then devote my life to helping others get healthy.  I don’t know if that means I would be a trainer, or what I would do, but I know I want to help others, once I figure things out.

So now I can’t stop thinking about it!  If I’m not on this show, I will definitely at least watch it, because I’m SO behind the concept. 

How amazing it would be to do this with Adam – he is the love of my life.  We have a great marriage, but the weight does make things challenging in so many ways.  I’ve already talked about the difficulties with intimacy (TMI!).  But also, neither of us wants to just sit around eating burgers watching tv every night.  We want to LIVE!  We have an amazing relationship and a BEAUTIFUL daughter!  We want her to have a full life with us – experiencing all life has to offer – hiking, biking….seeing other countries and experiencing EVERYTHING with no limitations.  I love sports and want soccer to be part of my life.  I WANT TO BE A SOCCER MOM! 

I am outgoing and love to have fun.  I’m miserable in this fat suit and I don’t want it anymore! 

I’m ready for a new chapter in my life!  I’m too sexy and happy for this fat suit.  Time to let it go!

Complain is my middle name

You ever worked on a project for quite some time that you really believed in and gave all your heart and soul, only for it to be ripped apart, completely changed and due by the next day?  ::Sigh::  ::Sigh again::  And then you wonder if it matters because no one recognizes the successes anyway because everyone thinks your group sucks!  Well let’s just say today was painful.

                                             

Work was frustrating too (lol can I complain anymore?)  I was trying to be really good but I was stuck in meetings and had to have a piece of pizza for lunch.  Lol it wasn't like someone stuffed it in my throat, but it was literally that or don’t eat anything.  Then work went late, traffic was horrible, and Sammi got hurt on some glass...blah blah blah.  Sorry, venting galore lately!

This is the kind of shit that drives me to cheesecake, but I will abstain: sigh:

                                                  

By golly it's Holly...

I saw this really cute girl at work today – she had on this adorable black and white outfit and some really cute pumps.  Oh how I envied that!  Have you seen the clothes they have in my size?!!!  I do have to say that since Torrid and Lane Bryant came along, things have gotten better (pricy but better), but now I can only wear their shirts.  I have to order my clothes online.  Ugh!

They are horrible – seriously awful, I’m not even exaggerating (as I usually do).  All there is available is bright clothes with polka dots or Grandma Clothes.  There are lots of those horrible house dresses lol-hello muu-muus.

                                                      

I see people in sundresses and I’m just so jealous.  I can’t wait to explore the world of clothing one day!  I haven’t been able to really choose a style for so very long, that I don’t even know anymore what my style is…..sometimes I close my eyes and imagine it.  I’m not one for brand names or spending tons of money, but I imagine a few desired items:

·        Soccer shorts & socks (yeah – I’m gonna have crazy fun socks)

                                                  

·        Cute gym clothes

·        Little black dress (I mean you have to have one, right?

 

·        Some other formal dress for special occasions (although what occasions I dunno)

·        Sundresses and lots of them!

      

·        Boots!

·        High heels (though I’ll probably fall right on my ass)

·        Club outfit – moderately slutty (though I never go out lol)

·        Wheelies!!!  Oh how I want these!  (I used to tell my sisters that all the time as we walked down the log halls to visit our dad in prison lolz….yeah I know, I never grew up!)

·        Lingerie (hee hee, won’t give you the details)

TODAY IN SUMMARY:

Every day I try to get my fat ass up at six to exercise, and every day I turn it off and wake up at 7 instead.  My ideal exercise program would be workout for 30 minutes in the morning, 10-15 minute walk at work and then workout 30-45 minutes at night.  This would be SO good for me. 

Tonight I walked a half mile – 20 minutes.  I know I can do more, but I’m glad I at least made an effort.  J  I kept within my caloric goals so that is exciting!

Fall hard, rise HARDER

Oh shitballs, I hate writing when I’m like this.  I’d much rather lift people’s spirits or at least make them laugh at my silliness.  No one wants to be a ‘Debbie-Downer’! 

(Oh, my apologies to my dear sister-I guess you probably loathe that particular saying).

So I’ve just been an idiot nearly most of this weekend.  Here I had two extra days off and do I make the MOST out of them????  NO, I mope nearly MOST of the time.

Sure we went to the zoo and I’ve really enjoyed time with Sammi and Adam, but I have to be all sad-face sheesh!  There was so much more I wanted to do – projects and some fun things, but no I didn’t want to do anything but be miserable and feel sorry for myself.

I never do my hair or make-up anymore.  I’m just in a slump and I’m sick of feeling sorry for myself.  I got so bummed out reminiscing about the countless reality shows I’ve tried out for and just quit stuff.

WHY DO I DO THIS CONSTANTLY?  I’ll be doing great for a little bit and then I quit.  I gained 3.4 pounds.  So this is when I usually get more depressed and quit.  I’ve done this MILLIONS of times.

I can’t do it anymore.  The FAILING and QUITTING part of it.  Hopping right back on the wagon and not wasting any more valuable time.

And you know what, it’s okay!  I’m not perfect.  I will make mistakes in the future, but as long as I get right back up again, I will win the race in the end, right?  This time IS different.  Not because I will be perfect, but because I WILL NOT QUIT EVER.

This is hard shit – it really is.  But I just have to work hard and not give up.  Just keep going (just keep swimming, swimming, swimming).

 

 

Some days the rain will fall

Today I felt sort of listless….not sure if thinking about all the times I’ve tried out for reality shows for fatties got me down or what, but I went cRAZY today! 

To give you an idea, I ate 3 mini ice cream cones, ironically while I was reading The Hunger Games (book made me hungry???? Lmao).  Oh lord what fools these mortals be!

Well here is the thing, I am HUMAN (at least last time I checked).  But what I will do now is what really matters.  I’m not going to get all depressed and quit everything and just eat like a crazy person and give up.

Nope, this chick is getting back on the horse – I’m back in the saddle again.  Food you will not defeat me!  I use your for my health purposes, not the other way around.  Eat to live, not the other way around, right?

Not sure if this is a coincidence but I went down to a lower dosage of Phentermine today (had requested a refill as the first 5 days gave me a headache but it did subside).  I think I’m gonna go back to the higher dose!

It’s been wonderful having Sammi for so long on these longer weekends. Having Friday off was AWESOME!  We just had so much fun at the zoo.  2 more days off.  Wahoo!

Getting back to business tomorrow.  Going to eat really light in the morning and afternoon as we have a little family party at night.

 

 

 

My letter to Chis Powell.....

Chris,

You are truly one of my heroes in life.  You have given so many deserving people a second chance at life, making it your life’s mission!  I look into those deep blue eyes, and even though it’s through the television (ha ha), I feel like I can see directly into your soul.  Chris, it amazes me the love, the honest-to-goodness empathy you have for these people who were mere strangers.  You aren’t all about making money off some show, you really CARE about helping people, and it’s incredible!

I would give my left arm to have that awesome privilege to gain from your expertise, your experience (like you’ve said, this ain’t your first rodeo).  Oh Chris, everyone is so deserving of your gift and has had insurmountable trials and tribulations.  How could I dare expect you to choose me from the thousands?  I know you would help us all if you could.

I guess to gain your heart, I’d need to share my own story – I know you have heard similar Chris.  I should tell you how my beloved mother took her own life when I was 14.  I know you could imagine the devastation that brought on.  My dad’s later incarceration was no trivial matter either.

Oh Chris, I’ve been on more diet programs than I care to admit.  I am nearing 500 pounds and have recently lost 12, but I admit I am terrified, because it isn’t just about me anymore.  I was married four years ago to the most amazing and supportive man, who saw more than just my fat ass.  He truly loves me, and we were blessed with one of God’s angels – Sammantha (we call her Sammi) 3 years ago.

I just have to lose all this weight Chris.  Keeping up with Sammi just takes everything out of me.  This big body is falling apart on me, and I need the energy to keep up with her!  I also want her to have everything in life – I can’t stand for her to lose out on anything just because of my weaknesses.  I can barely keep up taking her to normal activities like the aquarium, or the zoo, hiking or other more strenuous outings are completely out of the question!  She will want to go to Disneyland soon, and I want to be on those rides with her, not sitting miserable looking on – ashamed and wishing I could join. 

Chris, we have been trying for one more little blessing – I feel that soul just begging to come down, but this time the pregnancy is just not happening.  I’m devastated to think that the fact that I can’t bring my husband another kid, a sibling for my Sammi, that it is my fault.  I’m 39, so the clock is ticking fast!  How could I live with the fact that I couldn’t make our family complete because of my own weaknesses.  It’s more than I can bear.

Life is just pure misery when you are close to 500 pounds Chris.  I can definitely see how people give up and end up not getting out of bed and end of 800 pounds.  I’m terrified that will be me.  I can NOT let that happen.  I can’t because my family NEEDS me. 

I want my life back Chris.  I want to be able to run and keep up with Sammi.  I would love to play sports again – I have a passion for soccer and volleyball.  I don’t want anything to hold me back in life – and this big meatsuit definitely is.  More than anything, once I got the weight off, I would love to help other people do it too!  I want to make a difference in this world Chris, just like you do!   I would love it if you found it in your heart to give that to me incredible chance!

Holly

 

(If I were to send one, this is what I would send)

I'm my own reality

Adam is eating nachos right now, I kind of want to punch him and then take his nachos and run lol.  But that’s okay, I don’t need nachos at 10:38 at night!

So I woke up seriously sore, as I imagined I would after yesterday’s 2.5 miles but I was proud of that pain lol.  And I kind of wonder if that Kyani stuff is helping with the pain too, because there have been other times I’ve overdone it and not been able to do much at all.

I was really worried I wouldn’t physically be able to do the zoo.  I figured I’d have to make myself go and dread having to stop every five minutes and being a big pain in the ass.

But I was actually looking forward to it!  Nothing was going to get in my way of family time.  Sammi needs those types of things.  I just want to be the best Mom I can be!

I am happy to say that I wasn’t stopping every two seconds – there was the part up higher where the giraffes used to be where it is pretty steep that I had to go super slow and take breaks, but other than that I seriously did awesome!  And I looked around and noticed NO ONE my size except for one guy cruising around in a motorized Jazzy or whatever those are called.  Oh sure I saw chubby peeps, but not HEAVY like yours truly.  And although I’m sad for them not being there, I have to say I’ve vastly proud of myself.  It truly wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t the only thing I was thinking about.  I was able to enjoy my little sweetheart and my husband.

After it all, Adam’s app showed that it was 2 miles walking around the zoo!  Hooray!  That just makes me seriously happy.

And I have to give a huge shout out to my father.  I invited him, seriously thinking he would so no, not in a million years as he is trying to get healthy just like me.  But he agreed.  After the first few minutes he told me he was done, but I kept pushing him.  It pained me to do so as you could tell how much it hurt him, but I was so proud of him.  A block is more than he can usually do and he did at least a good mile.  He also got a bike recently and has been going up and down the block. I’ve SO proud of him!

Tomorrow I should get some good exercise cleaning (boo) and then my dad and I are going to go walking/biking in the evening so that will be awesome.

This takes a lot of work, but it is so worth it.

REALITY SHOWS FOR FATTIES

I watched of the Extreme Weight Loss episodes.  I get so inspired by these people who lose so much – though I have to be careful comparing as they lose SO quickly.

It quickly reminded me about my own attempts at being on reality shows.  Those closest to me will remember those days lol.  It all started off with trying out for the Biggest Loser, of which I have now done 4-5 times.  My sister and I sent in a video and were being considered.  We were so bummed at not getting picked.  Then a couple of years ago I was asked to try out for the Extreme Weight Loss.  That was quite a process.  I filled out form after form – writing letters after letters.  Adam helped me make more video tapes than I care to remember.  I was signing release forms!  I was convinced I was going to be chosen and was in the top 50.  But alas it wasn’t meant to be. 

Unbelievable!  I’ve been asked several times to audition but it has never yielded to anything!  Well, f**k that, I will do it on my own!!!

In case you are curious, here is the first audition tape I did on YouTube.

 

Did I walk 4 miles today?????????

LATE LAST NIGHT thru EARLY MORNING……

How is it 3 AM and I haven’t yet slept!!!!  I’ve been tossing and turning since 11.  My usual combination (Sleep on left side, sleep on belly, then sleep on right side and repeat twice-sheesh I’m like a sleeping robot) was not working.  For one thing, I just can’t get comfortable!  My stinkin’ sleep apnea mask feels like some obnoxious sea creature with its sucking tentacles deeply rooted onto my face like it’s pulling for all it’s worth.  Then there is the phlegm (isn’t that a loathsome word) that won’t seem to escape my throat making me cough and hindering my breathing. 

                

My shoulder and back ache something fierce (not that I’m complaining – ha ha ha ha!), but the worst thing is that my brain simply won’t stop thinking about anything and everything.  “What can I do more to my video at work to make it funny?”  “Wow, I can’t believe I challenged myself to walk 4 miles tomorrow when 1 mile kicks my ass.”  “I hope Sammi gets the hang of this potty training business.”  “Did I remember to do the dishes?”  This is how it has been for the last 4 hours….tossing and turning, though after though spinning in my head.  Why the hell am I not tired?

LATER………

My alarm went off at 6….yeah that did not go over very well.  I looked at my phone in utter disgust and turned it off with a ‘hell no’ and slept until 7:30. 

Oh shiz!  The plan was for me to do my walking video for 2 miles this morning and then finish my other 2 miles in the evening (yes MY particular path to hell is INDEED paved with oh so many good intentions)….

Damnit, why didn’t I do those miles earlier!  Tonight is gonna kill me.  I got ready (you know my boring pony tail because wearing my hair down just makes me sweat all day even just sitting) quickly and headed to my favorite place on earth besides home – Beans and Brews (screw you Disneyland jk).

LATER THAT EVENING…..

Work was fun as I’m working on a different type of video than I normally do.  I managed to take my fatness out a couple of times to go for a walk too – once with Janet (love you girl) and once by me onsey…..I found this path behind my work that is kind of rustic and all full of nature and shit.  Sure my head was throbbing and my body yelling at me quite loudly and profusely as I sweated a river off of my head and neck, but hey there were butterflies, grasshoppers, and even cows to witness my efforts.  Son of a bitch it sucks to be fat!  I mean it shouldn’t kill a person to go on a 1.5 mile walk (that was actually the combined total of TWO short walks).  But hey, I am proud as shit of my fat ass for realz!  Only 2.5 miles to go (OMG I’m so gonna drop dead today)

EVEN LATER…….

Well did I do the 4 miles?  Well I did 2.75!  And I have to tell you that it seriously kicked my ass. I REALLY wanted to do that 4 miles, but I also didn’t want to faint and have to have like 10 paramedics carry me into the ambulance.

I don’t feel like a failure, I feel SO happy.  In the last 3 weeks I’ve only been able to do 1 mile each day.  I did almost 3 times that today so I ROCK!

 

 

 

                  

Gonna be sore as hell tomorrow lolz.