Soul Searching

Sometimes you have to do some real soul-searching to figure out what you really want.

I think I sabotage myself, especially when I’ve been doing really good – I use whatever excuse possible to (expletive) it all up.

It’s hard being a giant blob lol.  But the worst part is that it is all your own fault.  I mean it is literally.  No one to blame but yourself and Dunkin’ Donuts (jk they don’t FORCE you to eat their donuts or anything).  Like my Grandma used to say “You ate it!”

So you can imagine how hard it is to think positive about yourself sometimes.  I mean I do. I think I am a good Mom and a good person, but obviously I have control issues.  I’ve let food get the best of me and that is a big weakness and I hate weaknesses.  I’m not saying I hate myself sheesh.

I think I just need to understand better that I deserve to be happy! I deserve this.

I want to feel better about myself.  I want to be more happy and healthy.  I want to not have to worry about seats I can’t fit into and trying to find clothes my size.

Down in the Dumps.....

Do you ever look in the mirror sometimes and wonder what is going on inside that fat head!

I caved and I’m really mad at myself.  The last two days have been cheat meals and Diet Coke.  Enough is enough!

Can’t I ever figure it out????  Why does it have to be such a constant daily battle?  Like can’t I do anything right!

But I guess all I can do now is get back on the right path, but some century I need to figure this shit out BEFORE so I can prevent it.

It’s like I let ANY excuse get to me.  A lot of crap happened at work this week – a lot of people were let go and everything is being reorganized.  Then it was also my period and I’ve been worried about Laurie (her hysterectomy was today)…but hell it’s always going to be something!

I MUST CONQUER THIS.  I don’t have the formula quite down right, but I will figure it out!

Hells Yeah!

Celebrations!

Today:

I have to say today was a blast! But it was oh so exhausting lol.

I thought we were just going to Laurie’s b-day party, but then we got asked to babysit Max and Hailey.  Then we got asked by Adam’s parents to the zoo so just like that we were off!

It was kind of funny because it felt like we had 3 kids – which maybe is what we’ll end up with who knows. 

I’m Proud of Me!

I just was so amazed at how well I could keep up with all of the hills etc.

Lynndsey says I need to celebrate every success and its so true!  Then at the end there is that big damn hill and Hailey wanted to be in the stroller, so I got myself up the hill while pushing her.  Go me!

Laurie’s party was fun.  We are all so nervous about her surgery on Friday, but I just know things will go well.

I Rock!

Still Going Strong!

Weekly Progress:

I have to say that I am genuinely proud of myself right now.  I lost 5.8 pounds!  I was coming off of a really bad week, and my typical pattern is to do good for a bit and then gain it all back and more and get depressed.

Lynndsey is way helping me identify and rectify this (lol @ rectify…sounds like a naughty word…just sayin!).  I don’t know where I’d be without her.

But I would be in much less pain lol.  Yesterday as I drove to the gym and passed the ‘dreaded hill’ she has had me climb on occasion, I was relieved to see the sprinklers were on.  Yes!  It won’t be that workout today.

But alas, she fixed my clock and said we were doing it anyway and this time we were going for 5 times up and down and no stopping on each one-my record is 3.

It’s really good for conditioning and she is working with me to condition my lungs to control my breathing.  I am happy to report that I beat my record and did 5 and 4 of them at a really fast pace (did I mention this hill is pretty steep…both ways in the snow…ok j/k about some of that but it is steep).  And this is why Lynndsey is the shizz…lol.  After 4 I thought I was dead and told her I couldn’t do another, but she pushed me through it and as a result I felt so strong!  So proud and happy.  I felt like I could conquer the world!

Torturing Sammi:

My poor daughter.  First I tortured her with swimming lessons where she would only do ONE of the items…the rest she screamed bloody murder at – yeah that was MY kid screaming the whole time.

Then after that we had a photo shoot.  She was all dolled up and in such a good mood, but that poor dear won’t do anything without her Mama & Dada right there!  It took twice as long as a normal session and she wouldn’t do 70% of what we tried to get her to do, but amazingly we still got some gorgeous pics:

 

Life is an adventure!

Still going strong!

Day Three-Go Me!

Oh Diet Coke, how I miss you!  I miss your cold and quenching refreshment!

See!  Going without it makes you cuckoo for cocoa puffs!

Today was long!  I just felt so tired and like it was never-ending.  I just wanted to play candy crush all day and night and of course couldn’t lol.

I had to go into work and then after work I went shopping for my new plan and ran a few errands.  After that I folded all the laundry.

Thankfully I’ve been resting for a bit, but then I’ve got to make our lunches for the week and prep dinner too.

But tomorrow is going to be even more crazy because I have to go into work for longer and then it is Bonko night.

 

FUN SAMMI-IZM:

I have now THREE times asked Sammi if she wants Mommy to have a baby, to which she replies "No daddy have baby". 

 

We are so in synch!  I've been telling Adam for months now that he gets to have the next one lol.

On the Path...

Day Two!

When I went to pick up Sammi I SO wanted a Diet Coke that I nearly caved.  But I’m happy to report that I did not.

I’m just trying to decide now if I’m taking the day off of exercise, or if I work out tonight.  I am still pretty sore from last night’s workout so I’m tempted to skip or at least do a very light workout.

I’m excited to get a new meal plan soon.

I just have to keep thinking of Ivan coming down.  I’m getting really nervous, but mostly just excited to have a new baby!!!  October will be here soon!

I finally got my hair fixed too.  Ok no make-up so don’t judge but here is the new do:

 

A new beginning

Day One – Take 3,4099,223!!!

Holy cow I am all or nothing lol.  My trainer Lynndsey has figured me out pretty quickly!

She told me today that I have her full blessing on Diet Coke, but she wanted me to seriously think about the no cheat thing.  She is okay either way, but just wanted me to make sure it won’t cause me to totally quit and go off the wagon.

I think there is a good point in that.  She said I can have my cheat and I will still lose if I work hard and am 100% the rest of the time.  So that is what I’m gonna do.

Today was only hard with the Diet Coke at about 3 and then about an hour ago.  I REALLY wanted one but I didn’t.  And I have had SO much water – almost 150 ounces actually.  It is awesome, but I hate how you have to use the little girls room 85 times a day!

I also followed my meal plan and wasn’t hungry.  Adam had some ice cream, but I was totally fine.  I went and got my snack and I was completely satisfied.

I just keep thinking about Ivan (or Milley if it’s a girl) and it makes me smile.  Wow I’m actually getting baby-hungry again.  I must be crazy lol.

But it’s exciting

The Time is NOW!!!!

Time to Get Real!

The other day Adam was telling me that he felt like Ivan was ready to come down.  Honestly I’ve been feeling that way too.  Waiting until Spring is SO far away and I feel like not soon enough to scare me into losing more weight and giving it my all.

So I proposed that we try around October 15^th instead of waiting until March or April AND that I have NO diet coke and NO cheats until that time.  That’s 122 days yo.

Yeah I know what you are thinking……how many damn crazy programs is this yahoo gonna start??!!!  Well this time I’m finishing something that I start.  I HAVE to to prove to myself that I can do it!

And if I can get well under 400 the OB will be pleased-well and honestly what can he say when it’s already done.

But anyway things will be better for me (easier) being pregnant, the lighter I can get.

So there it is.  More to come in the following days to come!

Life Really is Beautiful!!!!

Such a F-U-N Day!!!

Well I lost 2.4 lbs.  Woot!  I am doing so good.  I just gotta keep doing it.  Need a plan for everything.  For example, I need to pack food for myself for Sammi’s bday since we are going to be everywhere and anywhere on Monday.

I had the trainer today and boy am I sore!  That Lynndsey is incredible, that is all I can say.

Today was really fun.  We had Sammi’s cousins – Kiya & Blaze over to play.  Look how cute Sammi & Kiya are in matching dresses that Nana got them!

 

The only bad moment is when Sammi fell and AGAIN she said “Oh shit”.  I am such a bad mom lol.  It’s hard for me to discipline her when I use that word and also when it’s kind of funny when she says it.  Oh Nana would kick me!!!

We also went outside and went swimming and then rode on Sammi’s car that she used to be terrified of.  Finally she loves it after seeing Blaze ride on it lol.

 

After they went home it was cheat night and we went to Olive Garden. Sammi was cracking me up because when the waiter asked what we wanted to drink Sammi says “I want Diet Coke!” Oh yikes.

Then later she wanted more olives and just started screaming “Olives, Olives!!!” like they were magically going to appear.  Oh that silly kid!  I just love her to pieces.

 

I can’t believe my little angel is going to be 2 on Monday!  I love her so much.  :)

I'm a WEINER!

It’s been a really hard week for me.  I’ve been all grumpy and just blah.

One of my BFFs (Lisa) was asking me if I was okay today.  I think I’ve been super disappointed because I haven’t done as good this week.

This funk has been haunting me all week.

Well NO MAS!

Look at the big picture.  So what if I gain a pound or don’t lose or lost just one pound.  Yeah that may be hard when you’ve been losing lots, but you have to visualize the big picture!  I’ve lost 15.3 pounds in 4 weeks with Lynndsey.  I can’t complain about that!!!

I can do this bitches so watch out YO.

Here is one of the reasons it’s worth it!

 

LAURIE

Laurie is doing well (she had a seizure on Sunday when we were going to watch a movie)!  OMG, I will never stop worrying about her though.  Just love that kid!

My Poor Sis!!!

ER ANYONE?

I am still kind of shocked right now.  I had the most frightening experience of my life yesterday, and the crazy thing is that it didn’t even happen to me.  That’s almost what made it worse – seeing something horrible happen to someone you love……

My poor little sister Laurie has really had a shitty time lately.  And that is putting it mildly.  And without extra drama, I’m pretty sure it’s tough enough as it is to be a single mother.

She has been in a lot of pain from endometriosis for years and years.  She went to get a pap smear a few weeks ago and they called her back saying some abnormalities had been found.  They told her it was cancer.

When she told me that last week I was totally freaked.  I didn’t even know what to say to her except that I was so sorry and that I would be there through thick and then.

She had a biopsy done on Tuesday to discover how extensive the cancer was and determine if chemo was necessary etc.  She told us a few days ago that they found the cancer was benign but that she does need to get a hysterectomy due to the damage done by the endometriosis.

I was so glad it wasn’t cancer but just heartbroken to hear about the needed hysterectomy, especially since she is only 31.

But we decided to go see a movie Sunday to celebrate the fact that she didn’t have cancer.  And this is when the bad shit really happened……

She drove us to Jordan Commons and I we walk in over to the kiosk to buy our tickets.  Suddenly she is in front of me, her body flailing about wildly – her eyes going back into her head and her mouth is clenched tightly and she is making crazy sounds.

I can’t even tell you what I was thinking at that moment.  I was shocked – so horrified that this could happen to her.  I’d never seen a grand mal seizure before, and let me just tell you it is the most terrifying thing in the world to watch.  And for it to be someone that you so love and know that you can’t do anything but let it pass.

I go to grab her and ease her head as she falls to the ground – blood slowly pouring out.  How could this be happening!  And all I’m thinking is something about their tongue.  Dear God, is she biting it.  Do I move her on her stomach, on her side?  Some random dude next to me says just leave her be.  I go to call 911 and someone has already called.

Now there is a crowd growing of shocked people.  I’m just holding her, stroking her face, talking to her, hoping she will stop.  People are yelling “Does she have seizures?” “Is she diabetic?”NO people!  And these people are so very nice just trying to help, but I just feel helpless.

Finally she stops and I’m relieved for half a second until I realize she is terrified poor thing.  I try to ease her and tell her who I am and she is okay but she is just trying to escape…what happened and who are these crazy people she is thinking.

I hurry and grab our purses and she is trying to run away thinking we are trying to kidnap her or something.  We try to coax her to a bench.  Finally the paramedics are there and she eventually calms down but poor thing is so out of it.  She couldn’t remember anything.

I meet her at the hospital later and then my dad comes.  It ended up being because she was taking too much medication, not for one day, but too much at one time and then ran out so it was withdrawal.  Who knew?  So scary.

Poor thing, I just want to take all of her pain away.  I know she feels like there is just more pain and drama around every corner in all aspects of her life.  I so wish I could take it all from her!!!

I love my sister Laurie and I really hope things go okay for her.  She so deserves to win the lottery right now!  I’d appreciate your prayers for her.

I stayed with her last night and today just to make sure all was okay.  I nearly cancelled with the trainer as I just feel so exhausted etc, but I realized life is always going to be complicated and busy and things come up.  You still have to focus on your health!