Fancy a bit of dark poetry?

I'm not poet, but hey I know it (hee hee).

In a dark place lately, but hey that's life.  I will get there!

The world creeps on with silent amusement

Mocking my pain in endless tones of mockery.

And I see no end or limit to its affect

Until I am drowning in the blood that flows freely from my heart

For I am gone, not one with life any longer.

As I sit and watch the endless chatter from the amusement box.

Watching others live lives more fake than mine.

For I have happiness but I can’t grasp it.

My soul to scarred to find it’s peace.

Wanting for it to have meaning

But feeling like a stranger here

Wasting away into nothingness until I fade and disappear into the night.

A figure of disenchantment who knew love but could only find misery

For the pain was overbearing, its onward, never ending.

Until my tears stop flowing, for nothing is left inside this soul.

Empty, empty like the air.

Longing for peace, but heavy-laden with despair and misery

Until my back is broken.

And I can no longer take the pain.

It searing through me like a knife.

Sjck of trying and failing, failing evermore.

Is there no end to this darkness?

A figure weakened and soft

Will I die from it’s misery?

Oh life, don’t swallow me up in shadows

I beg thee for thy pity.

Help me bear it all again so I can shed the burden once and for all.

For it must be, it has to be, or all is vain.

And failure cannot be.

Less the journey be in waste.

Albeit crawling I will trudge onwards

Into the muddy sorrow of it all

Though the end be ever distant

I will bear the burden no longer

Let it end – let it DIE

Oh me, I will find rescue.

Strength thus hidden will be freed.

 

Climb every mountain!

So today I’m feeling more empowered than I have in weeks!  Sure, I really really like REALLY wanted McDonald’s sausage mcmuffins this morning (daily event lol), but I was okay not having them.  It helped that work has been so crazy busy so I’m not thinking about food and what I can stuff in my craw every second.

It feels good being more active – let me rephrase that – it hurts like hell PHYSICALLY (just as it always does), but emotionally I’m on a high baby!

I mean I’ve been so good all d ay and I got to eat steak and right now I’m eating a frozen banana covered in chocolate.  How is this a diet, eh?  And I’m under my calories! 

Had my hard-boiled eggs for breakfast and a Lean Cuisine and veggies for lunch.  It’s awesome!

 

I also feel really good about exercise because I went for an 18 minute walk at work and then 15 more with my dad tonight.  I even feel like doing more now but let’s see lol.  I can do this (even though sometimes I don’t think I can).

And can I just tell you that I love my daughter AND Halloween!  She is also loving Halloween - such a fun thing to share with her!

 

What in the name of sanity!

Well I haven’t been blogging proper for SO many days.

Sometimes when I’m down I am not keen on blogging – who wants to add more negativity to the world, eh?

When I’m not my goofy self, what am I offering?  I guess I’d rather add humor to one’s day than be seen as a hugely pathetic object.

One thing I do have to say for myself is that I haven’t quit.  When I have fallen down, I have gotten up and hell if that isn’t progress!

I had somewhat of a ‘break-down’ recently.  Oh dear heaven thank you for Adam.  He pretty much has a free ride back with you all for putting up with my shenanigans! 

And I feel bad too because I am so blessed and have Adam and Sammi.  What right have I to be depressed…but yet at times I find myself pulled into that sad darkness.

I start to feel listless and without purpose.  The road before me seeming ever so long – each step a pain like I have ever known and yet push on I know I must.  The painful path goes on for days, as if I will never escape it.  And I keep finding myself having following the exact opposite path in error for miles upon miles, and I it feels I lack the energy to retrace my steps and start anew.  Of these hundred miles, I have walked the first 10 for years, over and over until the tears spill again quite freely.

…..oh enough bizarre blubbering!  Everyone has their cross to bear.  We have good jobs – we make a good living.  My daughter is beautiful and intelligent I have all the other aspects of my health.

I can make this better!  And it isn’t easy and I can’t take back all the years I super screwed up.  Focus on the things I want and how I keep getting closer to it!

 

 

blah blah

Sometimes I'm blown away at how many damnable pills I take. Its seriously insane. I'm hoping one day it won't be so many! The pain is unbearable today and I'm experiencing one of the horrid side effects of one pill I'm about to quit.

I did do a little walking at work thank God. But its one of those nights I don't want to do anything. I just wanna sleep. Work has been wearing on me lately and I need to just be like a dude and let it roll off my back. I'm watching Extreme Weightloss and I so badly want to be on one of these shows! I so hope I get chosen for the Weight for Love show. I see these shows changing peoples lives and I really need that. Life is more than reading and watching Tv. I deserve to discover that firsthand and I will keep working hard to make it happen.

I was looking at the Biggest Loser Ranch in Utah and its way expensive, but if I save maybe I could make it happen! I just feel like with how much I have to lose, I need to do something major. I hope with Weight for Love I get this opportunity I'm so desperate for!

My goal tomorrow is to actually do my hair again lolz. Maybe I can't make the physical pain go away, but I can at least change my attitude about things. Chin up sister!

 

Weight for Love....a new chance for life for couples!

I am on such a high right now peeps!  I shared with you earlier how I tried out for a reality show – ‘Weight for Love’.  I don’t know what will happen and out of respect for the show I won’t share any details about the casting process and so forth.

I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it would be to be on a show like that!  I know people rag on reality shows and then I’ve heard about weight loss reality shows how people feel like them fatties are so exploited for the producers to make a buck.  I couldn’t disagree with that more.  Of course the show has to make money, but I think weight loss reality shows really help changes people’s lives!  It gives them a second chance.

It would be so incredible to be part of something like that.  I have no desire to be famous or anything, but I would LOVE the help!  I feel like I would work so hard, especially since people are watching!  I also think the premises is so fresh and cool.  No, I don’t relish the idea of being away from Adam for 6 months, but what an amazing motivator that would be!  (and honestly he has heard me complaining when I’m dieting-maybe it would be a nice break for him to not have to hear me complain about being tired and being sick of eating healthy lmao). 

The other thing is that I would LOVE to be an example to others.  I have felt very motivated and inspired by others on shows before.  I would love to show other fatties that they can do it.  Here I am pushing 500 pounds.  I know there are others like me who feel they are SO morbidly obese (my favorite term lol).  I guess my dream is to get healthy and then devote my life to helping others get healthy.  I don’t know if that means I would be a trainer, or what I would do, but I know I want to help others, once I figure things out.

So now I can’t stop thinking about it!  If I’m not on this show, I will definitely at least watch it, because I’m SO behind the concept. 

How amazing it would be to do this with Adam – he is the love of my life.  We have a great marriage, but the weight does make things challenging in so many ways.  I’ve already talked about the difficulties with intimacy (TMI!).  But also, neither of us wants to just sit around eating burgers watching tv every night.  We want to LIVE!  We have an amazing relationship and a BEAUTIFUL daughter!  We want her to have a full life with us – experiencing all life has to offer – hiking, biking….seeing other countries and experiencing EVERYTHING with no limitations.  I love sports and want soccer to be part of my life.  I WANT TO BE A SOCCER MOM! 

I am outgoing and love to have fun.  I’m miserable in this fat suit and I don’t want it anymore! 

I’m ready for a new chapter in my life!  I’m too sexy and happy for this fat suit.  Time to let it go!

Complain is my middle name

You ever worked on a project for quite some time that you really believed in and gave all your heart and soul, only for it to be ripped apart, completely changed and due by the next day?  ::Sigh::  ::Sigh again::  And then you wonder if it matters because no one recognizes the successes anyway because everyone thinks your group sucks!  Well let’s just say today was painful.

                                             

Work was frustrating too (lol can I complain anymore?)  I was trying to be really good but I was stuck in meetings and had to have a piece of pizza for lunch.  Lol it wasn't like someone stuffed it in my throat, but it was literally that or don’t eat anything.  Then work went late, traffic was horrible, and Sammi got hurt on some glass...blah blah blah.  Sorry, venting galore lately!

This is the kind of shit that drives me to cheesecake, but I will abstain: sigh:

                                                  

By golly it's Holly...

I saw this really cute girl at work today – she had on this adorable black and white outfit and some really cute pumps.  Oh how I envied that!  Have you seen the clothes they have in my size?!!!  I do have to say that since Torrid and Lane Bryant came along, things have gotten better (pricy but better), but now I can only wear their shirts.  I have to order my clothes online.  Ugh!

They are horrible – seriously awful, I’m not even exaggerating (as I usually do).  All there is available is bright clothes with polka dots or Grandma Clothes.  There are lots of those horrible house dresses lol-hello muu-muus.

                                                      

I see people in sundresses and I’m just so jealous.  I can’t wait to explore the world of clothing one day!  I haven’t been able to really choose a style for so very long, that I don’t even know anymore what my style is…..sometimes I close my eyes and imagine it.  I’m not one for brand names or spending tons of money, but I imagine a few desired items:

·        Soccer shorts & socks (yeah – I’m gonna have crazy fun socks)

                                                  

·        Cute gym clothes

·        Little black dress (I mean you have to have one, right?

 

·        Some other formal dress for special occasions (although what occasions I dunno)

·        Sundresses and lots of them!

      

·        Boots!

·        High heels (though I’ll probably fall right on my ass)

·        Club outfit – moderately slutty (though I never go out lol)

·        Wheelies!!!  Oh how I want these!  (I used to tell my sisters that all the time as we walked down the log halls to visit our dad in prison lolz….yeah I know, I never grew up!)

·        Lingerie (hee hee, won’t give you the details)

TODAY IN SUMMARY:

Every day I try to get my fat ass up at six to exercise, and every day I turn it off and wake up at 7 instead.  My ideal exercise program would be workout for 30 minutes in the morning, 10-15 minute walk at work and then workout 30-45 minutes at night.  This would be SO good for me. 

Tonight I walked a half mile – 20 minutes.  I know I can do more, but I’m glad I at least made an effort.  J  I kept within my caloric goals so that is exciting!

Fall hard, rise HARDER

Oh shitballs, I hate writing when I’m like this.  I’d much rather lift people’s spirits or at least make them laugh at my silliness.  No one wants to be a ‘Debbie-Downer’! 

(Oh, my apologies to my dear sister-I guess you probably loathe that particular saying).

So I’ve just been an idiot nearly most of this weekend.  Here I had two extra days off and do I make the MOST out of them????  NO, I mope nearly MOST of the time.

Sure we went to the zoo and I’ve really enjoyed time with Sammi and Adam, but I have to be all sad-face sheesh!  There was so much more I wanted to do – projects and some fun things, but no I didn’t want to do anything but be miserable and feel sorry for myself.

I never do my hair or make-up anymore.  I’m just in a slump and I’m sick of feeling sorry for myself.  I got so bummed out reminiscing about the countless reality shows I’ve tried out for and just quit stuff.

WHY DO I DO THIS CONSTANTLY?  I’ll be doing great for a little bit and then I quit.  I gained 3.4 pounds.  So this is when I usually get more depressed and quit.  I’ve done this MILLIONS of times.

I can’t do it anymore.  The FAILING and QUITTING part of it.  Hopping right back on the wagon and not wasting any more valuable time.

And you know what, it’s okay!  I’m not perfect.  I will make mistakes in the future, but as long as I get right back up again, I will win the race in the end, right?  This time IS different.  Not because I will be perfect, but because I WILL NOT QUIT EVER.

This is hard shit – it really is.  But I just have to work hard and not give up.  Just keep going (just keep swimming, swimming, swimming).