Taming of the Beast

The Beast

So seriously I didn’t think it would be a fight at every corner – every single meal (seriously practically every second).  Like I’m so obsessed with foods that I don’t want to be eating.  I'm the damn beast!

                                                             

I constantly have to talk myself out of cheating at every turn.  Seriously how lame is that?  Like am I really that weak-well YES I AM folks (that’s pretty obvious when I see this body in the mirror lol).  And it pisses me off.  Here are SOME of the thoughts running through my head constantly:

·         I could stop at Maverick on the way to pick up Sammi and get a drink and one of those peanut butter bars, breadsticks, maybe some donut holes (then I will argue that I will just get one treat until I ban myself from the store entirely)

·         (at grocery store) I could buy some cookies or donuts and eat them on the way home…

·         I want some bread!!!!!!  (all during the day)

Maybe it is not every going to get easier.  But that won’t stop me from trying!

The Sunny Side

·         I’m losing weight!

·         I’m feeling better about myself

·         Sammi is eating healthier and actually chooses healthy food over (how cool is that)

So I just need to remember why I’m doing this!!!!

This Week’s Rules

My plan

Drink at least 100 ounces of water daily

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Only drink one diet soda a day
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Follow the meal plan

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Exercise 5 times a week

 

 

 

Staying Afloat

(mmm root beer float sounds nummy)

I’m Nervous!

Weigh-in tomorrow…

These past few days have been so frustrating.  I kept waking up each day feeling 10 times worse than the previous day.  But it was so strange because prior to this, I don’t remember being quite so miserable when I was sick.  What the hell?

Then Monday I had an appointment with the sleep doctor (had 3 appointments that day sheesh)and was annoyed that they can’t help with my sickness too (guess they can’t do everything lol)….but it was a very good visit because we may have my asthma meds all straightened out.  She explained how my tonsils are making everything so much worse and how she and Dr. Chowdery are going to talk to the ENT and get him to reconsider me getting them yanked.  He says ‘She’s too fat for the chimney(surgery)’, but they say it needs to be done because I am getting way to sick and it is interfering with my sleep.  She was really nice to me saying I must feel like I’m in a catch 22 because I need to lose weight to get the tonsils removed but how can you lose weight if you aren’t getting enough sleep?  Anyway it was just cool to hear her empathize with me so much.

And she is way impressed with my progress so far with the trainer. 

SICKY:

Normally me getting sick would be another excuse.  I always felt like as soon as I’d try a weight-loss program seriously I’d get hurt or seriously sick and it would mess me up.

So I’ve been so firm in my eating since I haven’t felt up to working out yet.  And it hasn’t been easy when I haven’t wanted to do much prep as I’ve been so exhausted.

I’m proud of me for sticking too it!  This is HUGE for me (huge like my ass lol)

 

Did she lose (something other than her mind?)

Hell Yes I Lost!!!!

8 pounds yo!

                             

You know why?  Cuz I’m freakin’ awesome that’s why!

Ok really its because of the trainers.  Still I’m so proud!

SICKY:

Can’t believe I’m sick A-G-A-I-N.  I just have to know someone who is sick and it finds me I swear!  So that has thrown me off my game a little with working out, but I’m back on tomorrow.

Nothing will stop me from getting healthy! (My new motto)

                                     

 

I choose life, not cupcakes

Riding the Coaster!

Tuesday Morning:

I just worked out with Lisa and I am on such a high.  It was an awesome 40 minute workout and I’m feeling so sore, but damn proud of that!  I feel more energy today and I’m just happy to be alive.

                                                                   

I’m so very proud of myself!  I seriously rule.  My trainers are awesome and I’m very very happy.  It’s not easy, but I can do it.  J

Tuesday Afternoon/Evening:

Ugh!  I so want to quit right now because I just want chocolate!  I want more carbs and I just want to eat whatever the hell I want, whenever I want it!

                                                             

I am being such an ugly beast right now.  It’s just so hard giving up everything you love and no soda today.  I just feel like it’s too much and I’m so weak.  Can I really do this long-term because I know it has to be a life change!

I guess I’m just really feeling the pressure – like I HAVE to do this if I want another baby.  I have to do this to improve quality of life.  So maybe I’m just so damn stubborn and don’t like to be told what to do, even from myself lol.

Assessment:

(Wednesday)

How shockingly funny that you can feel so high and so low in the same day – with food I swear I’m bi-polar lol.

It’s not easy, but it is worth it!

                                                

Deep breaths!  I do actually WANT this and am CHOOSING this because I choose life – not cupcakes lol!

                         

A New Poem by Me!!!!

Escape

                 

I long for escape from this painful, ugly Hell inside me.

A fire burning deep and long that has spread far into my aching soul.

Hiding from the world that would shun me, who would laugh or pity.

An escape from the joy I must witness and yet can’t attain.

I keep it far within, hidden nearly from myself.

The pain I cannot face, breaking my heart into scattered pieces.

The longing from the loss so long ago-

Needing to let go, but afraid to act, to be.

For who am I but this?

And who will I become?

Can I fight the hunger of the flesh and instead feed my anguished soul?

Truly I am more than this,

My God tells me it is so.

I must start the life I’m meant to live.

I know I must forgive and some things I should forget.

But how do you destroy the shackles that have long-pierced your skin?

                                                    

Help me break free from the madness!

The courage I scrape for from within my being.

I run for freedom into the unknown…

With tears of freedom and passion, instead of failure at long-last.

I look back one more time.

I slam the door and walk courageously into the wondrous sunlight.

                                            

 

The Weekend…

Weekend Summary:

                 

                 

It’s been so much fun!  I love spending time with Sammi on the weekends (Children's Musuem was A-W-E-S-O-M-E.  I live for that!

It also was somewhat productive.  Almost all the Christmas is put away (yeah that’s how pathetic I am lol)  Too bad I didn’t get the rest of the house clean lol.  But I’m stoked I worked on my office.  It’s nearly clean!

progress:

Going Strong (Only wanted to quit about 3 times this weekend-hey that’s progress lmao)

Asthma is getting better so that makes me happy.

I’m also drinking more water but sadly I’ve been still drinking the poison, but lots less.

                               

I really enjoyed my cheat meals (I get 2 a week):

                                 

I’m ready to kick it up a notch this week.  I’m stoked to see the trainer.

                                             

  Making my dreams come true.  (Even though it feels SO SO far away lol)

No crying in baseball

Could I whine anymore (yes I can it turns out…read on!)?
                                                        

Oh good grief….where do I start?  I swore I would blog as much as possible – but some days maybe that isn’t wise!  I certainly won’t advertise this post.

I guess I’m being something of a Negative Nelly, instead of Pollyanna.

I’m just battling some serious emotions that I need to work through somehow.     

I’m so mad at myself for letting it get this far.  437 pounds far (hello that’s like 8 Paris Hilton’s or something-ok good sign if I’m still pretending to be funny!). 

I’ve never been good with multi-symptoms – something of a GIANT WOOS actually.  I’m used to dealing with my bulging discs and the heel pain, but they seem to be magnified x10 on my period.  Then there are the headaches and exhaustion because I’m not wearing the Sleep Apnea mask – which I try to wear but never can even half of the night lately because my asthma is so bad right now.  I can’t get relief from that because we are waiting to see if there is some other issue with my lungs or heart (I am high blood pressure too).  All of that breathing crap is worse because of my enlarged tonsils, which can’t be removed due to my weight.  So this is my frustration.  I am miserable (ok not really but health-wise it’s not wonderful right now).  It is all my fault!  And that just makes me really really pissed at myself.

                                

And then today as I’m at the heart and lung center – I’m realizing I’m like the only one under 80 in that waiting room.  I go in for the tests which were fine except for the blood test which was arterial in nature and after several attempts they have to get a specialist.  I’m not sure which was worse – the pain from scraping a needle around my wrist or the emotional embarrassment (It probably was hard to find because of my fat)

But that doesn’t help, this I know.  Hello – how proud should I be that I’m doing something about it???!!!  Ok I am, but honestly, why didn’t I before???  Why didn’t I give it more of an effort before I started having all kinds of health problems?  I’m so mad about that – and yet why worry about something you can’t change?  Because I’m an idiot lol! Ugh.

But I do deserve this, and I know I’ve tried.  But I’m with Yoda at this point – do or do not.  I can’t be a wuss – I can’t afford to not do it (hello that is another guilty thing I feel bad about).

But I think it’s all in how I look at it.  It’s okay that I spend this time and money on me because it’s worth it.  Goodness knows I’ve tried most diets in the world…I’m leaving weight loss surgery as my last resort.  So I need the trainer and that’s okay.

It would be easy to give up again and just chalk it up to me being a failure.  Blame it on my mom that died of an overdose or my dad and his incarceration.  But NO.  That is unacceptable.  That is all WELL in the past.  Time to move on.  Who cares things weren’t easy in the past.  Live in the now.  And now, I have a fabulous husband, amazing baby, a great job, a wonderful house.  I have EVERYTHING.  But I can only fully enjoy it and be the happiest person I can if I do the hard work.

                                      

I will do this.  It’s important and I will do it FOR ME.

What’s for dinner

That’s a lot of food yo! (Especially breakfast-was hard to eat all that lol)

Food Journal

 

Like I said previously, I was NEVER hungry.  Just need to work on those carb cravings.

I can do it!

I'm actually doing it peeps!

Anyone got some toast?

Today’s Progress

I’m really proud of myself for today!  I stuck to the meals designated by my trainer and it was a lot of food!  I feel super strong!

I wasn’t hungry but I was so craving TOAST!!

               

How random is that?  But at least I’m not smelling it (doesn’t that mean you are having a stroke?).  Allison:  Remember how I read all of the symptoms to stroke and thought I had one?  I know its not funny to anyone who has actually had one or knows someone who has…but hello when am I ever tactful in my blogs?   It became so much fun to mess with Allison….if she picked on me I’d say something like “Well ever since the stroke….”

Later in the evening:

Ok yeah I’m craving more carbs!  But hello I can’t complain I’ve had a lot of food today and I’m having some rice for dinner.  Tomorrow I can have some bread with a turkey burger so that is cool.  Its ALL in my head!

I just need to get used to it!

Other Health Issues

Back and heel hurting a lot today, but I’m working through the pain!

Tomorrow I’m going to get the pulmonary tests done which is good.  I know the results will take a while but in a couple of weeks with my doctor then we’ll know what it is (or isn’t) and can go from there.  I’m excited to breathe better (I so take that for granted….who thinks about breathing?)  Ok I admit it, I'm a little scared but hello people go through way more, and it may be nothing.  Don't worry until you need to, and even then do what you need to get through it.

Move that Sexy Butt!

Hee Hee, I like to pretend my butt is sexy J  One thing is for certain – it goes on for miles.  J  But I love that – it’s my shelf butt!

                                    

At my healthiest I will have bigger legs and booty, but I will be curva-LICIOUS and I love that!  I don’t need to have the best bod in the world, I just need MY best bod.  And honey its comin’!  And I will be hella sexy-inside and out.  That is what makes all this worth it.

Holy woosy pants (sheesh how do you spell that anyway)…I could only do 20 minutes cardio today – I was so out of breath I thought I was dying lol.  And I almost didn’t do it.  See our elliptical is not working AGAIN and I got on the treadmill and it again is stopping on me – probably exceeded the weight limit.  It just made me mad and kind of ashamed, and nearly crying.

                                         

Then I decided to put on my big girl pants (and they literally are big-kind of like a circus tent lol) and I did 20 minutes of on-demand (thank you Comcast) workouts.  But I’m way proud of myself for that – it wasn’t easy but I did it.

 

Always look on the bright side.......

Downton Abbey Fan?

I Know I am!

I think I’ve worried some of my friends-I’m so sorry and thanks for caring.  It’s all good I promise!

So on a lighter note…….

This video is hilarious (and it’s brought to you by the letter G).  Thanks to my mother-in-law for sending it to me.

 

I love Upside Dowton Abbey!!

I would like it in a box.

I would like it with a fox.

I do like to watch it in a house.

But I probably won’t watch it with a mouse (cuz they’re icky).

I like Downton Abbey right-side or down,

I’d even watch it with a clown.

I’m not sure I like green eggs and ham.

I probably wouldn’t like them – Sam’s Mama I am.