No crying in baseball

Could I whine anymore (yes I can it turns out…read on!)?
                                                        

Oh good grief….where do I start?  I swore I would blog as much as possible – but some days maybe that isn’t wise!  I certainly won’t advertise this post.

I guess I’m being something of a Negative Nelly, instead of Pollyanna.

I’m just battling some serious emotions that I need to work through somehow.     

I’m so mad at myself for letting it get this far.  437 pounds far (hello that’s like 8 Paris Hilton’s or something-ok good sign if I’m still pretending to be funny!). 

I’ve never been good with multi-symptoms – something of a GIANT WOOS actually.  I’m used to dealing with my bulging discs and the heel pain, but they seem to be magnified x10 on my period.  Then there are the headaches and exhaustion because I’m not wearing the Sleep Apnea mask – which I try to wear but never can even half of the night lately because my asthma is so bad right now.  I can’t get relief from that because we are waiting to see if there is some other issue with my lungs or heart (I am high blood pressure too).  All of that breathing crap is worse because of my enlarged tonsils, which can’t be removed due to my weight.  So this is my frustration.  I am miserable (ok not really but health-wise it’s not wonderful right now).  It is all my fault!  And that just makes me really really pissed at myself.

                                

And then today as I’m at the heart and lung center – I’m realizing I’m like the only one under 80 in that waiting room.  I go in for the tests which were fine except for the blood test which was arterial in nature and after several attempts they have to get a specialist.  I’m not sure which was worse – the pain from scraping a needle around my wrist or the emotional embarrassment (It probably was hard to find because of my fat)

But that doesn’t help, this I know.  Hello – how proud should I be that I’m doing something about it???!!!  Ok I am, but honestly, why didn’t I before???  Why didn’t I give it more of an effort before I started having all kinds of health problems?  I’m so mad about that – and yet why worry about something you can’t change?  Because I’m an idiot lol! Ugh.

But I do deserve this, and I know I’ve tried.  But I’m with Yoda at this point – do or do not.  I can’t be a wuss – I can’t afford to not do it (hello that is another guilty thing I feel bad about).

But I think it’s all in how I look at it.  It’s okay that I spend this time and money on me because it’s worth it.  Goodness knows I’ve tried most diets in the world…I’m leaving weight loss surgery as my last resort.  So I need the trainer and that’s okay.

It would be easy to give up again and just chalk it up to me being a failure.  Blame it on my mom that died of an overdose or my dad and his incarceration.  But NO.  That is unacceptable.  That is all WELL in the past.  Time to move on.  Who cares things weren’t easy in the past.  Live in the now.  And now, I have a fabulous husband, amazing baby, a great job, a wonderful house.  I have EVERYTHING.  But I can only fully enjoy it and be the happiest person I can if I do the hard work.

                                      

I will do this.  It’s important and I will do it FOR ME.