Broken chairs to unrealized dreams.....

 

So this just happened.  Truthfully I was laughing my ass off.  See breaking chairs isn’t really that out of the ordinary when you are the size of a baby whale.  It happened at work once – not one of my finer moments.

Oh mercy!  I have found I’m most effective when I’m positive and feeling empowered.  Well that shit went out the window a while back, and I haven’t found it since.

I’m just pissed at myself for letting this happen and not working at it hard enough and how hard it is to make it right.  I don’t know what it is, but I just feel like it has never been harder to get healthy.

And it’s simple to do it.  Most of us know what to do – you eat healthy and you exercise.  You need to eat less calories and get off your ass and get moving.  But the heavier you get, the harder those things get- well the exercise part anyway.  This is because it just kills just to walk.  Just a few months ago things were so much better.  I can’t believe how hard the last 20 or so has been on me.  I seriously see how people just don’t get out of bed one day because it literally hurts so much.  But I can’t let that happen.  But if I don’t do something soon, I will hit that point where it’s just too much.  I’m not getting any closer to that ever.  I vow to get my life back.  I have an idea for this weekend that I think will really help me.  It should be really fun.

I can’t believe how strong that food urge is either.  I nearly went to get cookies and treats like 5 times tonight.  I think it was because I said no to some cake earlier and have been craving things like crazy.  Also I think I self-sabotage myself and the harder I’m trying, the more that devil inside me tries to stuff twinkies in my face.  But I will get there.

At our team luncheon I didn’t choose a healthy option, but I’m glad I didn’t mess up the evening.  I know I will get there and just can’t give up.

LATER………

So you know what just motivated me???? I can’t wait to get down to my healthy weight again and I’m a sexy bitch at that weight.  Plus size beauty.  Check out these beautiful ladies:

 

I will look similar to that one day.  I am beautiful in my own right.  I just want to get healthy, but I don't have to be a toothpick.  I will be happy and sexy.  I just have to work at it-blood, sweat, and tears.

Holly the Hut

This is the elephant font.  It is appropriate for my mood and how I look and feel. I’m avoiding the beach so that someone doesn’t try to save me lol.  And I’m only half joking.  How did I let it get this bad that I’m winded walking like 50 feet from my car to the building inside.  I pretend to check my cell phone just to take a quick break and catch my breath.  WTF!

OMG I’m like those that peeps make fun of on The Biggest Loser or My 600 Pound Life who cry about every damn thing.  Have you seen those shows?  My 600 Pound Life especially.  You see them not get out of bed ever bitching about it while they eat fried chicken.  But I’m EXACTLY the same way, just the situation is a little different.

It’s so annoying because I really want to get healthy, but I really want to eat the food I like.  Why is that hunger/urge so very powerful.  Why do I LET it be so powerful.

Like of course I want to have another kid instead of stuff my face with cake, but apparently not because why would I do it then?

For lunch today I had a Lean Cuisine, trying to have good intentions etc, but then there was leftover cake in the breakroom and of course I dug in and later even bought a candy bar from the vending machine.

It’s really annoying.

So here is what I’m going to do.  Adam and I after we exercise at night (oh yeah we are gonna do that too lol), we are going to plan out our healthy food for the next day.  We do have to wait until we get paid to go shopping lol.

OMG just worked out.  I thought I would last 2 minutes.  I lasted 10 lol.  Hard to be proud of that, but I am.  Hey you gotta start somewhere.

Sorry to be such a downer.  This is what I feel like lately.  I know I have a lot of blessings.  Just need to conquer this.