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I wonder if blogging has replaced my journal and is just now a bitching session. For those of you looking for a pick-me-up, I’m sorry but you will have to google chicken soup for the soul or go watch Pollyanna cuz this post will only drag you down. I haven’t even been blogging lately for the stupidest reason. I’ve been trying for a reality show and I keep getting worried at how it will be perceived. Like on the rare cases where I’m doing good, I figure they will think I wont need it, or on my usual days (sadly), they’ll think I’m just beyond hope. I guess I just don’t care anymore. And that is the problem. Sometimes I just feel like why even bother? All those times I’ve worked my ass off, and yet then I just f%@k it up a little bit later. It’s a vicious cycle and just no longer seems worth the effort. This week has been so hard and then today I was doing kind of better and then at work they wanted to go to JCW for shakes for our meeting. Oh man that was the last straw for me today. I went but bitched about it and was just so frustrated. Don’t you get people that it’s like taking an alcoholic to a bar??!!! But no, I can’t be a bitch and it’s not all about me so we go and I get to watch people eat thick shakes. I’m sure I couldn’t hide how annoyed and livid I was. Do you ever just feel like you aren’t doing anything right at all?!! I feel like I’m so depressed lately I’m sucking at being a Mom. Sammi deserves a happy Mom. I haven’t been teaching her pre-school stuff lately. She isn’t potty trained yet (fail, fail, fail). I can’t even begin to say the ways I’ve failed as a wife. Poor, poor Adam. I feel like I will never lose the weight. Why even bother trying. I try so hard – put everything into it only to fail. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t try and fail anymore. I guess I’m just doomed to disappoint, be miserable and be pretty much horrible because try as I might I just f*#k everything up.

the truth

I smile most the time but its just a lie. I will never understand how a woman with such an amazing husband and daughter can be so unhappy. What right have I? But yet I'm miserable from the time I wake up. Work is insufferable. And I'm so sick of the pain. Emotional and physical. I don't want to do anything. The house is a disaster. And yet I just don't want to do anything. Just want to eat bad food. What a fool right? Missing my mom out of nowhere lately. Trying to keep my chin up but why is it so hard.