Still here bitches

I will never give up!

I am such an idiot.  And the funny thing is that actually I’m quite intelligent (I mean, just ask me about it lol)…but for letting this weight problem rule my life, I am a major idiot.

Lisa and I were talking about that HUNGER for food and how pathetic it is that something delicious can seem to rule our life.  Like really I want a donut more than I want to be healthy for Sammi?!!!!  That is appalling!  Almost as bad as me nearly poisoning her and letting her drop a 10 pound weight on her foot all in the same day (don’t ask, its been a shitty week).

I mean seriously!

I think lately I was so mad at myself for not doing better before I get preggers (not yet, calm down peeps but its coming up soon with any luck) that I think I just gave up and used it as an excuse.

But it is NEVER too late.  You have to get over the past and just live in the now.

True I had quite a few donuts and several treats lately but no mas lady. 

I also played soccer and have been to the gym a lot lately (bought a pass woot).

So here we go!

Keep on Trucking!

HOW BAD DO YOU WANT THIS?

I’m watching Extreme Weight Loss.  It’s crazy to think about how I was being considered for this show!  I wasn’t sure if I’d even want to watch it – Ugh I’m so sick of the excuses. I think it is just all about making good choices ALL of the time.

Last night my work took us to a movie so by the time I was going home I was starving and didn’t

same with Biggest Loser.  But I’m glad I do because it is pretty motivating! want to cook so I stopped to get Wendy’s for us.  I told myself, you have to choose now.  So I got chilli and a small grilled chicken sandwhich.  Just have to keep doing that.

Losing, but in a GOOD way!

What do you want?

So I lost 3.2 pounds last week.  Woot!

I’m not sure how that happened because we hadn’t been shopping or anything lol.

I’ve been kind of or lets say WAY off my game these last couple of days. Finally went to instacare and found I have sinus and an ear infection.  No wonder!  I was so feeling crapping the last half of the work week!  Oh how it all comes together lol.

I want to be healthy.  That’s it.  I want it and I’m going to make it happen.  I’ve got to eat healthy to become healthy.

I can have a couple of days before I exercise until I’m feeling 100%.

Today Sammi and I got our ears pierced.  That was so much fun.  It made me feel pretty and I haven’t felt that in a long time.

What is it about being fat and sad that makes you not even worry about shaving your legs anymore.  Yikes!  Sammi is a girly girl!  I am too when I’m not lazy.  I see hours of doing our hair, make-up, and nails in the future.  J

Yellow-stoned Out!

One with the Buffalo

I can’t even begin to explain how very tired and sore this body is at this moment.  I haven’t even fully unpacked though we came home last night from Yellowstone.

I had a feeling it would be really rough, for the last time we went (3 years ago) I was a little lighter and it was hard.  I had no idea what I was in store for.

Thankfully Adam’s family is kind and patient, for I belt like the biggest damn burden of a whale ever.  The day we went to Old Faithful, we walked over five miles.  Let’s just say I had no problem getting in 10,000 steps every day lol.

But I’m just disgusted and furious with myself for how this affects my life.  I couldn’t hold her a lot of the time and I couldn’t keep up with the main group much of the time.  She is getting bigger and I want to be able to run around and discover the world with her.  She will want Disneyland in a couple of years.  Do I want to join her on the rides or be miserable watching all the fun?

Luckily I know just what to do and despite all I ate, with all the walking I lost what I had gained the week before the trip.  I just so need to get in shape before getting pregnant.

Some amazing trip moments:

·       Sammi playing with her cousins and having the time of her life

·       Seeing hundreds of buffalo, right next to our car

·       Seeing tons of bears at Bear World

·       Watching all the amazing geysers, springs, and mud pots

·       It hailing on us and then a rainbow appeared

·       2 different times elk running through the parking lots

·       Sammi’s awe at seeing buffalo!

Yo Yo Yo-Short and Sweet!

I’m so Tired!

Ok so I’m much better than yesterday.  Yeah things are still crazy, but I’m so looking forward to my vacation and I’m doing better on the whole health-front.  Halle…freaking…lullah!

Uggh

A Kick in the Face

That’s probably what I need right now. I didn’t seem to get anything right today and I’m so super frustrated, I can’t stop crying.  And of course I’m surfing the crimson wave which is probably why I’m of this temperament.  All the shit I messed up on today:

·       I couldn’t sleep last night and in the middle of the night my c-pap machine fell on my head!

·       After that I had so much congestion I couldn’t sleep until I drank mouth wash!

·       But then I still couldn’t sleep cuz Adam was snoring so loud

·       I slept through my alarm

·       Instead of making eggs I had cereal cuz I’m a lazy ass.  I had healthy cereal but I know it doesn’t feel me up.

·       I was all busy with work and didn’t have lunch in time

·       At the grocery store I bought a package of mini eclairs and shamelessly ate them on the way home

·       I have only had 40 ounces of water, the rest Diet Coke

·       I’m stressing about work big-time

·       I’m stressing about the trip which is dumb

·       I yelled at Sammi cuz she spilled water all over my bed

·       I was mad at Adam cuz he hated dinner that I spent a lot of time on

I also have a bad attitude-in case you couldn’t tell lol.  Only thing I did right was play with Sammi a lot and ate a healthy breakfast & dinner.

 

Oh and I did workout with Lisa...I'm not a total shmuch I guess lol.

WHAT A DAY!

WHAT A DAY!

Oh man I’m SO tired!

It has been one of those days.  Work is really wearing me out with 8 million projects we are doing at one time.

Then today was Sammi’s dance class-oh man she was adorable!  She is doing so very good.  I’m super duper proud of her.  Then we grabbed dinner and played outside.

Then Adam and I put up the play house I found at a garage sale (hee I got it for $15 and brand new its $500!) and Sammi played outside.

It just seemed like the night literally FLEW by-the whole day for that matter.  The rest of the night I’ve been planning our trip (we leave Sunday)

I had to get into work super early so it was really hard to not cheat. 

The one bad thing though is that I had 4 chocolate chip cookies.  YIKES.  Lame-o.  But it was giving in to 1 of 10 cravings so I don’t know.

Move Over Moses!

Move over Moses!

Move over cuz I have my own ten commandments!

I’m back and more determined than ever. 

I know I can do this.  I just know I can.

I feel like my Mom has been around lately.  I feel like she is pushing me to do this and the time is now.  My life is pretty wonderful besides this-I have a nice house, a great job, and an aMAZING family.  I just now need to get healthy emotionally AND physically.  I deserve it!

MY DAILY RULES:

·       Drink 100 ounces of water

·       Eat 3-4 veggies

·       Eat healthy snacks

·       Eat healthy breakfast

·       Eat healthy lunch

·       Eat healthy dinner (except Sat.)

·       Happy attitude

·       Exercise 30 min (except Mon. & Fri.)

·       Track Progress

·       Blog

Monday, July 29, 2013 – Journal

AM:  So I majorly broke the rules today…I broke down and let Sammi watch The Wiggles.  I know right!!!  How could I let her get so corrupted lol.  (Ok but seriously they are like the biggest dorkiest geeks I’ve ever seen and I was a band geek okay!)

AFTERNOON:  I’m really proud of myself!  I was really tempted to go get something sweet and get lunch, but instead I had a Lean Cuisine, veggies, and cherries.  It was all very filling and flavorful.  Plus, my cravings for sweets went away after I had lunch.

NIGHT:  I’m so super proud of myself.  It’s been difficult today to go back to eating healthy all day long, as sad and pathetic as that is.

Just Keep Swimming

Life

SAMMI

Let’s start with my favorite topic!  You know, I know a lot of people, some I really really love and respect, but who don’t want kids.  I can’t even fathom that.  Now granted not everyone can have an amazing kid like me (lol I’m so humble about it), but still kids are so much fun.  And I know the adventure is just beginning and there will be days I will want to pull my hair out, but bring it on.  It makes life worth it I think.

We started ballet lessons last week and she is by far the youngest girl in class. And that little ballerina just made me laugh.  She certainly dances to her own toon, but I was so proud of her for how good she did do.  She kept spinning around “I a -rina. I a -rina”.  Then she would get entranced by her own reflection and have to admire herself in front of the mirror for a spell.  SO cute.  And she liked it WAY more than she has liked swimming lessons.  Let’s just say there have been lots of tears on that front, and yeah she has been THAT screaming kid.  But I can’t fault her, she is just like me in personality/temperament and as I was afraid of my own shadow and have control issues myself, I can’t really fault her!

Today she was such a Mama’s girl-she is my baby head.  I love it how she smiles when I call her that and how she says “my hold you Mama”.

Yesterday she got to hang with Teagan, Hay-Max (Hailey & Max) at the Children’s Museum.  It was a total blast!  I just love those chitlins.

FOOD, FITNESS, & FUN

I’m so sad about it, but I can’t afford the trainer anymore.  Our credit cards are just way too high and we aren’t paying them off fast enough.  I’m going to have to pay on the school loan soon and we are going to get preggers soon (fingers-crossed anyways).  But I’m still determined to take what I learned from Lynndsey and put it into place.

Monday and Friday are days off from working out (unless I work out extra with Lisa), so nothing today.  I did some organizing of the house so that’s good at least.

Foodwise I did good today, but I do need to drink water.

IS HONESTY REALLY THE BEST POLICY

So I figure I need to be completely honest from now on and not just blog when I’ve been good and skim over all the gory details and so forth.

Haven’t done good lately-shocker I know.

If I was someone reading this blog I would probably feel bad for this big pathetic pig – I would pity her.  And that I can’t stand-thus the whole not being honest and not blogging when things are rough usually.

It’s easier to tell you of times when I’m doing good.  For instance do you really want to hear how I ate nearly the entire SAM’s club (so it’s huge) box of Oreos this weekend?  No, you could have done without that.  But apparently this has become my fat journal lol.

But dear reader, as much as I love your support (all 5 of you lol), this isn’t for you.  It’s for me.

I have to figure this shit out once and for all.  Over the weekend something shocking happened involving someone I love and care about and therefore I will not divulge all the gory details.  But to summarize I was beaten up a little-mostly emotionally, though there was some physical lol.  Which actually it wasn’t funny.  And no it wasn’t my husband and this person is totally fine now and there was a logical reason for it and they were not in control.

Why even bring it up?  Well I’m sick of lies and having to hide everything!  I can’t handle that anymore.  No more secrets!  I don’t want my life to be a constant episode of Pretty Little Liars (but damn that show is addicting).

Here are some shockers for you…..supposedly I had a pervy Uncle who may or may not have done something to my sisters and maybe me.  That was a HUGE family secret.  Then my dad was in jail for sexual abuse.  Yeah that’s another one you don’t exactly make t-shirts for.  And although there was some culpability there, he isn’t a pedafile.  OMG that word just makes me want to vomit.  Ha ha, need therapy much? 

Been there, tried that.  It takes so many sessions just to say some of the shit and then they want to know what I think of it – well hell lady that is why I’m here.  Then they’ve asked me which issue I want to pick-oh I don’t know, should we play eeny-meeny-miny-mo?

Oh and here is another secret-did you know my mom overdosed?  Yeah she killed herself back in 1989.  We don’t think it was on purpose, but that could just be a pretty little lie to make ourselves feel better?

Then when I stopped going to church the year before I met Adam I acted out and sowed some crazy wild oats that I’m not proud of.  Hows that for another big secret?

So there you go, now you know why I’m pretty fucked up.  Oh yeah, and sometimes I use that word.  I’m not proud of it but sometimes it happens.

Wowsers that was intense.  Let’s hope everyone skips this entry!

But I think I figured out this weekend the biggest secret of all-why I am still struggling with my weight.  When I was single for years and years I thought it was because I was lonely.

But now things are so good…despite how this rant came out.  I’m happy with work.  My family is amazing.  I love my husband and Sammi is my entire world!  So I've just been so confused as to why this is still a problem.  Why do I eat and seem to sabotage myself?

So it’s just this weight thing that holds me back.  And I think I know why.  As I heard some pretty harsh comments that were not meant by the person who said them, it made me realize my problem.  I believe those things.  I loathe this body and kind of myself for letting me get here and even more when I keep doing it when it is something I can control and improve and I have all the tools right in front of me such as an incredible trainer!

I need to control this and understand that I believe in myself and that I deserve it. I deserve to be happy just like everyone. I’ve been thinking this week I’ll come up with some positive affirmations.  I have to conquer this and just let the past be the past.

Soul Searching

Sometimes you have to do some real soul-searching to figure out what you really want.

I think I sabotage myself, especially when I’ve been doing really good – I use whatever excuse possible to (expletive) it all up.

It’s hard being a giant blob lol.  But the worst part is that it is all your own fault.  I mean it is literally.  No one to blame but yourself and Dunkin’ Donuts (jk they don’t FORCE you to eat their donuts or anything).  Like my Grandma used to say “You ate it!”

So you can imagine how hard it is to think positive about yourself sometimes.  I mean I do. I think I am a good Mom and a good person, but obviously I have control issues.  I’ve let food get the best of me and that is a big weakness and I hate weaknesses.  I’m not saying I hate myself sheesh.

I think I just need to understand better that I deserve to be happy! I deserve this.

I want to feel better about myself.  I want to be more happy and healthy.  I want to not have to worry about seats I can’t fit into and trying to find clothes my size.

Down in the Dumps.....

Do you ever look in the mirror sometimes and wonder what is going on inside that fat head!

I caved and I’m really mad at myself.  The last two days have been cheat meals and Diet Coke.  Enough is enough!

Can’t I ever figure it out????  Why does it have to be such a constant daily battle?  Like can’t I do anything right!

But I guess all I can do now is get back on the right path, but some century I need to figure this shit out BEFORE so I can prevent it.

It’s like I let ANY excuse get to me.  A lot of crap happened at work this week – a lot of people were let go and everything is being reorganized.  Then it was also my period and I’ve been worried about Laurie (her hysterectomy was today)…but hell it’s always going to be something!

I MUST CONQUER THIS.  I don’t have the formula quite down right, but I will figure it out!

Hells Yeah!

Celebrations!

Today:

I have to say today was a blast! But it was oh so exhausting lol.

I thought we were just going to Laurie’s b-day party, but then we got asked to babysit Max and Hailey.  Then we got asked by Adam’s parents to the zoo so just like that we were off!

It was kind of funny because it felt like we had 3 kids – which maybe is what we’ll end up with who knows. 

I’m Proud of Me!

I just was so amazed at how well I could keep up with all of the hills etc.

Lynndsey says I need to celebrate every success and its so true!  Then at the end there is that big damn hill and Hailey wanted to be in the stroller, so I got myself up the hill while pushing her.  Go me!

Laurie’s party was fun.  We are all so nervous about her surgery on Friday, but I just know things will go well.

I Rock!

Still Going Strong!

Weekly Progress:

I have to say that I am genuinely proud of myself right now.  I lost 5.8 pounds!  I was coming off of a really bad week, and my typical pattern is to do good for a bit and then gain it all back and more and get depressed.

Lynndsey is way helping me identify and rectify this (lol @ rectify…sounds like a naughty word…just sayin!).  I don’t know where I’d be without her.

But I would be in much less pain lol.  Yesterday as I drove to the gym and passed the ‘dreaded hill’ she has had me climb on occasion, I was relieved to see the sprinklers were on.  Yes!  It won’t be that workout today.

But alas, she fixed my clock and said we were doing it anyway and this time we were going for 5 times up and down and no stopping on each one-my record is 3.

It’s really good for conditioning and she is working with me to condition my lungs to control my breathing.  I am happy to report that I beat my record and did 5 and 4 of them at a really fast pace (did I mention this hill is pretty steep…both ways in the snow…ok j/k about some of that but it is steep).  And this is why Lynndsey is the shizz…lol.  After 4 I thought I was dead and told her I couldn’t do another, but she pushed me through it and as a result I felt so strong!  So proud and happy.  I felt like I could conquer the world!

Torturing Sammi:

My poor daughter.  First I tortured her with swimming lessons where she would only do ONE of the items…the rest she screamed bloody murder at – yeah that was MY kid screaming the whole time.

Then after that we had a photo shoot.  She was all dolled up and in such a good mood, but that poor dear won’t do anything without her Mama & Dada right there!  It took twice as long as a normal session and she wouldn’t do 70% of what we tried to get her to do, but amazingly we still got some gorgeous pics:

 

Life is an adventure!

Still going strong!

Day Three-Go Me!

Oh Diet Coke, how I miss you!  I miss your cold and quenching refreshment!

See!  Going without it makes you cuckoo for cocoa puffs!

Today was long!  I just felt so tired and like it was never-ending.  I just wanted to play candy crush all day and night and of course couldn’t lol.

I had to go into work and then after work I went shopping for my new plan and ran a few errands.  After that I folded all the laundry.

Thankfully I’ve been resting for a bit, but then I’ve got to make our lunches for the week and prep dinner too.

But tomorrow is going to be even more crazy because I have to go into work for longer and then it is Bonko night.

 

FUN SAMMI-IZM:

I have now THREE times asked Sammi if she wants Mommy to have a baby, to which she replies "No daddy have baby". 

 

We are so in synch!  I've been telling Adam for months now that he gets to have the next one lol.

On the Path...

Day Two!

When I went to pick up Sammi I SO wanted a Diet Coke that I nearly caved.  But I’m happy to report that I did not.

I’m just trying to decide now if I’m taking the day off of exercise, or if I work out tonight.  I am still pretty sore from last night’s workout so I’m tempted to skip or at least do a very light workout.

I’m excited to get a new meal plan soon.

I just have to keep thinking of Ivan coming down.  I’m getting really nervous, but mostly just excited to have a new baby!!!  October will be here soon!

I finally got my hair fixed too.  Ok no make-up so don’t judge but here is the new do:

 

A new beginning

Day One – Take 3,4099,223!!!

Holy cow I am all or nothing lol.  My trainer Lynndsey has figured me out pretty quickly!

She told me today that I have her full blessing on Diet Coke, but she wanted me to seriously think about the no cheat thing.  She is okay either way, but just wanted me to make sure it won’t cause me to totally quit and go off the wagon.

I think there is a good point in that.  She said I can have my cheat and I will still lose if I work hard and am 100% the rest of the time.  So that is what I’m gonna do.

Today was only hard with the Diet Coke at about 3 and then about an hour ago.  I REALLY wanted one but I didn’t.  And I have had SO much water – almost 150 ounces actually.  It is awesome, but I hate how you have to use the little girls room 85 times a day!

I also followed my meal plan and wasn’t hungry.  Adam had some ice cream, but I was totally fine.  I went and got my snack and I was completely satisfied.

I just keep thinking about Ivan (or Milley if it’s a girl) and it makes me smile.  Wow I’m actually getting baby-hungry again.  I must be crazy lol.

But it’s exciting

The Time is NOW!!!!

Time to Get Real!

The other day Adam was telling me that he felt like Ivan was ready to come down.  Honestly I’ve been feeling that way too.  Waiting until Spring is SO far away and I feel like not soon enough to scare me into losing more weight and giving it my all.

So I proposed that we try around October 15^th instead of waiting until March or April AND that I have NO diet coke and NO cheats until that time.  That’s 122 days yo.

Yeah I know what you are thinking……how many damn crazy programs is this yahoo gonna start??!!!  Well this time I’m finishing something that I start.  I HAVE to to prove to myself that I can do it!

And if I can get well under 400 the OB will be pleased-well and honestly what can he say when it’s already done.

But anyway things will be better for me (easier) being pregnant, the lighter I can get.

So there it is.  More to come in the following days to come!

Life Really is Beautiful!!!!

Such a F-U-N Day!!!

Well I lost 2.4 lbs.  Woot!  I am doing so good.  I just gotta keep doing it.  Need a plan for everything.  For example, I need to pack food for myself for Sammi’s bday since we are going to be everywhere and anywhere on Monday.

I had the trainer today and boy am I sore!  That Lynndsey is incredible, that is all I can say.

Today was really fun.  We had Sammi’s cousins – Kiya & Blaze over to play.  Look how cute Sammi & Kiya are in matching dresses that Nana got them!

 

The only bad moment is when Sammi fell and AGAIN she said “Oh shit”.  I am such a bad mom lol.  It’s hard for me to discipline her when I use that word and also when it’s kind of funny when she says it.  Oh Nana would kick me!!!

We also went outside and went swimming and then rode on Sammi’s car that she used to be terrified of.  Finally she loves it after seeing Blaze ride on it lol.

 

After they went home it was cheat night and we went to Olive Garden. Sammi was cracking me up because when the waiter asked what we wanted to drink Sammi says “I want Diet Coke!” Oh yikes.

Then later she wanted more olives and just started screaming “Olives, Olives!!!” like they were magically going to appear.  Oh that silly kid!  I just love her to pieces.

 

I can’t believe my little angel is going to be 2 on Monday!  I love her so much.  :)

I'm a WEINER!

It’s been a really hard week for me.  I’ve been all grumpy and just blah.

One of my BFFs (Lisa) was asking me if I was okay today.  I think I’ve been super disappointed because I haven’t done as good this week.

This funk has been haunting me all week.

Well NO MAS!

Look at the big picture.  So what if I gain a pound or don’t lose or lost just one pound.  Yeah that may be hard when you’ve been losing lots, but you have to visualize the big picture!  I’ve lost 15.3 pounds in 4 weeks with Lynndsey.  I can’t complain about that!!!

I can do this bitches so watch out YO.

Here is one of the reasons it’s worth it!

 

LAURIE

Laurie is doing well (she had a seizure on Sunday when we were going to watch a movie)!  OMG, I will never stop worrying about her though.  Just love that kid!

My Poor Sis!!!

ER ANYONE?

I am still kind of shocked right now.  I had the most frightening experience of my life yesterday, and the crazy thing is that it didn’t even happen to me.  That’s almost what made it worse – seeing something horrible happen to someone you love……

My poor little sister Laurie has really had a shitty time lately.  And that is putting it mildly.  And without extra drama, I’m pretty sure it’s tough enough as it is to be a single mother.

She has been in a lot of pain from endometriosis for years and years.  She went to get a pap smear a few weeks ago and they called her back saying some abnormalities had been found.  They told her it was cancer.

When she told me that last week I was totally freaked.  I didn’t even know what to say to her except that I was so sorry and that I would be there through thick and then.

She had a biopsy done on Tuesday to discover how extensive the cancer was and determine if chemo was necessary etc.  She told us a few days ago that they found the cancer was benign but that she does need to get a hysterectomy due to the damage done by the endometriosis.

I was so glad it wasn’t cancer but just heartbroken to hear about the needed hysterectomy, especially since she is only 31.

But we decided to go see a movie Sunday to celebrate the fact that she didn’t have cancer.  And this is when the bad shit really happened……

She drove us to Jordan Commons and I we walk in over to the kiosk to buy our tickets.  Suddenly she is in front of me, her body flailing about wildly – her eyes going back into her head and her mouth is clenched tightly and she is making crazy sounds.

I can’t even tell you what I was thinking at that moment.  I was shocked – so horrified that this could happen to her.  I’d never seen a grand mal seizure before, and let me just tell you it is the most terrifying thing in the world to watch.  And for it to be someone that you so love and know that you can’t do anything but let it pass.

I go to grab her and ease her head as she falls to the ground – blood slowly pouring out.  How could this be happening!  And all I’m thinking is something about their tongue.  Dear God, is she biting it.  Do I move her on her stomach, on her side?  Some random dude next to me says just leave her be.  I go to call 911 and someone has already called.

Now there is a crowd growing of shocked people.  I’m just holding her, stroking her face, talking to her, hoping she will stop.  People are yelling “Does she have seizures?” “Is she diabetic?”NO people!  And these people are so very nice just trying to help, but I just feel helpless.

Finally she stops and I’m relieved for half a second until I realize she is terrified poor thing.  I try to ease her and tell her who I am and she is okay but she is just trying to escape…what happened and who are these crazy people she is thinking.

I hurry and grab our purses and she is trying to run away thinking we are trying to kidnap her or something.  We try to coax her to a bench.  Finally the paramedics are there and she eventually calms down but poor thing is so out of it.  She couldn’t remember anything.

I meet her at the hospital later and then my dad comes.  It ended up being because she was taking too much medication, not for one day, but too much at one time and then ran out so it was withdrawal.  Who knew?  So scary.

Poor thing, I just want to take all of her pain away.  I know she feels like there is just more pain and drama around every corner in all aspects of her life.  I so wish I could take it all from her!!!

I love my sister Laurie and I really hope things go okay for her.  She so deserves to win the lottery right now!  I’d appreciate your prayers for her.

I stayed with her last night and today just to make sure all was okay.  I nearly cancelled with the trainer as I just feel so exhausted etc, but I realized life is always going to be complicated and busy and things come up.  You still have to focus on your health!