IS HONESTY REALLY THE BEST POLICY

So I figure I need to be completely honest from now on and not just blog when I’ve been good and skim over all the gory details and so forth.

Haven’t done good lately-shocker I know.

If I was someone reading this blog I would probably feel bad for this big pathetic pig – I would pity her.  And that I can’t stand-thus the whole not being honest and not blogging when things are rough usually.

It’s easier to tell you of times when I’m doing good.  For instance do you really want to hear how I ate nearly the entire SAM’s club (so it’s huge) box of Oreos this weekend?  No, you could have done without that.  But apparently this has become my fat journal lol.

But dear reader, as much as I love your support (all 5 of you lol), this isn’t for you.  It’s for me.

I have to figure this shit out once and for all.  Over the weekend something shocking happened involving someone I love and care about and therefore I will not divulge all the gory details.  But to summarize I was beaten up a little-mostly emotionally, though there was some physical lol.  Which actually it wasn’t funny.  And no it wasn’t my husband and this person is totally fine now and there was a logical reason for it and they were not in control.

Why even bring it up?  Well I’m sick of lies and having to hide everything!  I can’t handle that anymore.  No more secrets!  I don’t want my life to be a constant episode of Pretty Little Liars (but damn that show is addicting).

Here are some shockers for you…..supposedly I had a pervy Uncle who may or may not have done something to my sisters and maybe me.  That was a HUGE family secret.  Then my dad was in jail for sexual abuse.  Yeah that’s another one you don’t exactly make t-shirts for.  And although there was some culpability there, he isn’t a pedafile.  OMG that word just makes me want to vomit.  Ha ha, need therapy much? 

Been there, tried that.  It takes so many sessions just to say some of the shit and then they want to know what I think of it – well hell lady that is why I’m here.  Then they’ve asked me which issue I want to pick-oh I don’t know, should we play eeny-meeny-miny-mo?

Oh and here is another secret-did you know my mom overdosed?  Yeah she killed herself back in 1989.  We don’t think it was on purpose, but that could just be a pretty little lie to make ourselves feel better?

Then when I stopped going to church the year before I met Adam I acted out and sowed some crazy wild oats that I’m not proud of.  Hows that for another big secret?

So there you go, now you know why I’m pretty fucked up.  Oh yeah, and sometimes I use that word.  I’m not proud of it but sometimes it happens.

Wowsers that was intense.  Let’s hope everyone skips this entry!

But I think I figured out this weekend the biggest secret of all-why I am still struggling with my weight.  When I was single for years and years I thought it was because I was lonely.

But now things are so good…despite how this rant came out.  I’m happy with work.  My family is amazing.  I love my husband and Sammi is my entire world!  So I've just been so confused as to why this is still a problem.  Why do I eat and seem to sabotage myself?

So it’s just this weight thing that holds me back.  And I think I know why.  As I heard some pretty harsh comments that were not meant by the person who said them, it made me realize my problem.  I believe those things.  I loathe this body and kind of myself for letting me get here and even more when I keep doing it when it is something I can control and improve and I have all the tools right in front of me such as an incredible trainer!

I need to control this and understand that I believe in myself and that I deserve it. I deserve to be happy just like everyone. I’ve been thinking this week I’ll come up with some positive affirmations.  I have to conquer this and just let the past be the past.