Dead Mom Letters #12

Yo Mama!!!

WIO Plan

So I had another week where I didn’t lose.  Grrr.  But actually I did lose inches and fat.  I know I need to do better.  Ander says to do better, but not get depressed about it. This is a LIFE change and it doesn’t happen all at once.  And I didn’t gain.  And I think it has been the stress of ‘The Secret’.  Ha!  Isn’t that the name of that program where if you believe stuff it happens?  Too funny!

I just have to do this Mom!  I can do it.  It’s worth it for this little beauty:

 

Dead Mom Letters #11 - January 1990

Hello Again Mother!

Nostalgia

Just a few moments ago, little Sammi was playing with my old dollhouse.  Oh Mom, remember how many hours we spent playing in those lovely houses Grandpa made?!!!!  So many fun memories there.  I remember we called it playing ‘people’ and had the fisher price people in it.  Remember how you guys had those speaker/intercom things in our rooms so that you could hear when we were still up playing ‘people’?  I remember one night we unplugged them so we could keep playing….I remember one night we all screamed when a REAL mouse ran through the house.  That was so funny.

Oh your dad was so creative-all that amazing furniture he made!  What an amazing childhood we had!  I’m pretty sure you and Grandpa Dyer were watching these moments:  (dollhouse & at gymnastics) 

 

I want to make sure Sammi has as happy a childhood as I did.  I so wish I could talk to you about dealing with anger. I feel like I struggle with this like you did, and least to a small degree.  I can go to 0 to 10 in like a second and scream.  I don’t get violent ever, but I just don’t want to scream at my family.  It is something I work on constantly.

I try not to think about the times – you know the times I mean when you got a little too upset.  I remember being scared several times.  But I really think Mom that you were bipolar and never diagnosed.  And that side hardly ever came out.  Those are pretty ugly memories I wish I could forget.  A lot of broken plates.  A couple ‘hush hush’ trips to the ER.  The cops being called.  But Mom, you were amazing.  I know that wasn’t you.  That wasn’t the real you, and I want you to know I forgive you for those times completely, and it is NOT how I remember you.

Want to know what I remember Mom? 

I remember so many kisses and hugs. I remember being able to go to you about ANYTHING.  I remember you always caring about us and us being your whole world.  We had so many fun times as a family.  We had wonderful trips, we always had dance lessons, played soccer, instruments etc.  We wanted for nothing.  We had a trampoline and a swingset, computers. The HUGEST Christmas’ ever!  But we weren’t just spoiled with ‘things’, but we also had your love.  All those game nights!  Reading as a family.  You loved and encouraged us to be the best we could be.  You taught us discipline as we had chores before and after school. I’m grateful for that Mom. 

Happy Days

Family really helps you through the rough times, right?  Oh I seriously can’t wait Mom until April 9^th, and not just because we are going on a trip for our anniversary.  The ‘Secret’ is coming to a close then and I will no longer be plagued by it (hopefully lol).  On person in particular and I really had it out on Friday.  I seriously lashed back at this person which was totally unprofessional.  I just was so offended by an accusation that day.  I have never felt so watched before, except by a landlord Gloria I had when I was roomies with Laurie Hansen (that’s a whole different story!).  So just a few more days, but I will probably see this person and it is just so awkward!

January 1990

In previous blogs I started talking about school that year in 9^th grade. It was all about Quest – that program you got me into and my friends within it.  My favorite classes were Seminary and History.

I’m pretty sure you had something to do with Rose Jacklin being a teacher.  She was more than a teacher to me and listened to many tearful rants.  I often wonder what she is up to Mom as it has been many, many years.  I’ll have to ask Christian who I think is on my facebook friends.

But back to 1990, and speaking of Christian, I find this particularly funny:

January 24^th, 1990 9:37 PM

I really LOVE Christian James Peo still.  His birthday is April 12^th……

January 25^th, 1990 9:06 PM

I have definitely made up my mind that I love Jason.  I cannot deny it.  Jason Brown is so special to me.  He told me I should turn my poem ‘Oh My Aching Heart’ into a song and make millions.

(Oh teenage girls are fun!  Lol.  And this had made me realize that I have been dieting for 20+ years now.  I was on Nutri-System and weighed 182 pounds.  I would actually LOVE to weigh that now and would be just fine.  J)

I finally wrote about your death with all the full details (love how I include the time)

Feb 6, 1990 @ 7AM

MY MOTHER’S DEATH:

There are some things that I need to write about – especially my mother’s death.  I need to get some feelings out in the open, or else they will haunt me forever.

First of all, my mother died last year on July 28^th at 5:00 AM in the morning. It was a Friday morning in the summer.  WE founder her around 5:00, but they said she must’ve died at around 1 or 2.  MY dad was the one who found her.  He came downstairs bawling.  Debbie, Jeni, Laurie and I were all sleeping in Debbie’s room.  The very sad thing was that the night before we were all in a very big argument with my Mother.  Deb, Jen, Laurie, and I were all taking about her.  We were not saying kind things either.  I even said “Mom is so hard to live with.  I mean she doesn’t act normal like a mother should.” Even before this, the last thing I said to her was ‘I hate you!” But while we were talking in Jeni’s room and I was saying all those mean things, she must have died two hours later.  Why didn’t I go upstairs?!!!  I could have saved her.  She could be here right now, right upstairs.  I don’t know why he took her.  She was only forty!  For 2 months.

The night before, while my sisters and I were talking about my Mother, my Mother and Father were arguing.  They were yelling and stuff.  But then my Father told us what happened while we were downstairs.  HE and my Mother made up and he said “Let’s to to bed.  Don’t worry over anything.”  My Mother was happy and agreed to it, but she said I’ll come in a few minutes.  I guess she fell asleep.  She must have died peacefully, because she didn’t make any noise.

Now the hard part:  describing what she looked like.  I’ll never forget what she looked like.  Her head was back far, as if she had used her last breath of air…I can’ believe it was her!....her hands were clinging to a bottle of Afrin (nasal spray) and some chapstick…She had the afghan that her Mother made wrapped around her.  I don’t think my Mother suffered too much because we didn’t hear anything.  I wonder if she knew she was going to die.  I believe she did.  I also think that she went to each of us when she had to go to say goodbye.  What makes me angry is that no one knows what happened….I know that my Mother didn’t commit suicide…..

I’m glad I got so spend 14 glorious years with her.  Thank you Heavenly Father.

The Truth

I found out years later Mom about a few things.  I found out about the Darvon that was found in your system – an overdose.  I found out about the prescription drugs and occasional drinking.  One time you took too much and had dad give you Ipecac.  I’m pretty sure it was an accidental overdose.  At least I hope Mom.

Love,

Me J

Dead Mom Letters #10 - Nov 1989 thru Jan 1990

Oh Mom!

I miss you more than you can ever know! Mom, I just want to again reiterate how much I love you to pieces and appreciate all that you did for us.  Looking back I’m amazed.  I remember how crushed you were when you had to start working again.  And yet when you worked so hard, you still took such good care of us.  I remember coming home from school and it felt like I was your only concern in the world.  You knew exactly what was going on with all of us.  You kept track of every test, made sure we spent time on our homework, doing chores, etc, and even made our meals.  Mom, how on earth did you do it all?  I can’t do it and I only have ONE kid.  I am truly amazed and in awe about in Mom. 

How I wish you were here, that I could just call you up and talk to you, especially now with this huge secret I’m dealing with.  Oh it’s all getting better as things tend to do with time, and in a couple of weeks I will be completely happy (I hope lol).  And we have a trip planned soon so how much have I to look forward to.  That is what I need to focus on.

When I think about it (the secret), I can’t sleep and just get more upset then you could even imagine.  I’ve never been questioned in such a way before.  Something I’ve been completely solid in my entire life has been threatened, unfairly so, and I was blind-sighted completely.  And it is a huge life-change for me – well I mean its not like getting married or anything, but it is a big part of your life.  Oh now I’m dramatizing it.  A few people know, and those also directly affected are just as shocked and upset about it which makes me feel better.

People who have a mom to be able to call up and shoot the breeze with or to talk to on occasion, should CHERISH every moment.  Did you feel that way with Grandma Mom?  It seems you were super close, but it seems it may have been complicated somewhat.  I think you probably felt a lot of pressure from her, but I know you knew she loved you. I wonder too since she was a single Mom for so long if you felt like you couldn’t complain ever because she did it by herself or whatever.  Oh Mom, these are the adult conversations I sometimes imagine having with you if you were alive lol.  Am I selfish to just wish I could hear you say “Oh Holly, Sammi does this or that just like you did.”?  I think that is the part that brings me to tears Mom.  I just wish I could see you enjoy her Mom.  How I wish I could see you hold her and laugh with her.  Oh man you would just love her and vice versa!!!  You two would giggle and laugh, I can just almost picture it, but damnit, why can’t I see it!  Oh how I really wish I could.

 

Friends are awesome and husbands as well!  (hee hee, that makes it sound like I have several).  So I just want to hit myself in the head and say what in the hell do you have to complain about!!!  I know I’m letting this affect me WAY more than I should.

 

WIO

Did I tell you I feel off the band-wagon a little last week, but I’m back on. The WIO (I’ve been telling friends to go to http://wiodiet.com/ to hear about this diet and MESSAGE me if you are interested because I can get anyone a discount by referring them and a discount for me) kind of reminds me of when you guys did Slim Fast so much.  It’s a liquid diet so brutal I’m not gonna lie but you do get food and you can have cheat meals on occasion and it WORKS so I’m grateful!  I’m loving it!

Dad and I have also been swimming.  He is on his fourth wife lol (don’t even get me started that is skipping ahead WAY too much), but I’m proud of him for wanting to get into shape J

 

Journal Entries – November 1989 thru January 1990

So 9^th grade!  I mean you are kind of king of the school.  Thankfully I had a lot of support with friends.  We were all so worried about Laurie-she was 8!  So young to lose your Mother.  I think we were all going through our own personal hell one way or another.  Debbie was with Warren so I’m glad she had that support.  Jen dated Chris that year and was busy with her cheerleading.  Oh Mom, I still worry about them sometimes.  I mean I’d like to think we have coped okay, but it does affect you.  I think we have all gained wait-not so much with Laurie.

I’m still upset about one of our neighbors Mom and I have thought about contacting her.  Remember Sue (Carothers)?  You guys were BFF’s practically.  I remember going to plays and to their summer cabin with their family a lot.  Well remember how I said we were all in a fight that night you died.  Jen I think held on to a lot of guilt for years and she felt she started the argument.  Then she talked to Sue on the phone that night and Sue told her to make amends with you, and well none of us did.  Well then Sue told her the week you did that Jen should have listened to her.  Can you even believe that?  And even worse, she told Debbie that the whole thing was her fault for being with Warren who you didn’t approve of.  WTF, right?  I kinda want to kick this lady, which is surprising since they were so close with us.  Can you even believe she said those things?  My poor sisters.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to look her up, write her a letter and ask her to make amends with them.  But hello, this was years ago.  Let bygones be bygones right?  I mean is it even worth it at this point, and I’m really not the person involved.  But I’m sorry to speak ill of your friend Mom, but I kinda want to kick her pretty hard in the nuts (ha ha, remember when I came and told you some kicked me in the nuts and you guys laughed and laughed which made me so pissed!  Lmao).

But anyway, that isn’t really my story.  One of my friends said we should all write a book lol.  And trust me, we could Mom, wait until you hear some of it.  You will not even believe it.

Back to 9^th grade………Since you didn’t die during the actual school year, I didn’t feel so much like ‘the girl whose Mom died’.  I had Amy Martin (who I actually see now sometimes) and Stacie Mathis.  Also I was in Quest, that gifted and talented program you got me into.  I really loved it Mom.  I was in classes that year with the same people.  My group was kind of comprised of me, Stacie, Ryan, Matt, Christian, and Frank – or at least in my mind it was lol.  My favorite teacher was Rose Jacklin (history) and it was cool because she was in our stake so she knew you and was really supportive of me (especially when I got a couple of F’s later that school year).  My science teacher’s wife (Dorothy Keddington) write these books (Jayhawk and Return to Red Castle) that I STILL love to this day lol.

I loved Spanish class and I adored my seminary teacher.  I was the Social Vice President in our class.  I just remember lots of scripture chases that were totally my favorite lol.

Life wasn’t without drama though.  Dad dated his first Diane in November and was thinking of marrying her.  I just remember not getting why he had to date right away.  That really hurt.  I wasn’t ready to get another Mom.  And he wanted us to go on diets with him. HELLO.  What the hell dad.  Well NOW I get it, he is one of those men that can’t be alone!  Makes sense now, but when you are 14 you just think your dad is kind of a freak.  Poor dad, he had his own crap to deal with.  I think it was really hard that we never had any counseling or anything.  Then someone called DCFS and Jen was scared at school when some DCFS was asking her a lot of probing sexual questions.  Apparently someone was thinking dad couldn’t protect us from Uncle Don (which I have to ask you about all of that one day, so confused about family drama-I do remember the infamous pool table fight where you and dad ended up in the hospital).  Then the Fullmer’s offered to take Laurie which I know was just out of concern but I think dad was kind of upset about it.  Its so sad Mom but when you died, it kind of felt like we all died for that side of the family – your side I mean.  We still saw Grandma of course, but sadly we didn’t really keep in touch with the others.  It just was hard when you are a kid.  I mean with a divorce at least it is all organized and you get time on the holidays with both sides etc.  It was hard for that reason for sure.

 

I remember sometimes getting bad feelings and being afraid a lot of the time and having scary dreams about ghosts and crazy things. 

And then my poems.  Jen says they are really morbid.  Here was the first one I wrote on January 21^st, 1990

OH MY ACHING HEART

I find it very hard to let go,

My hearts feels she’s gone, but my mind says no.

Could it be that it’s just a dream?

Or is everything how it seems.

Are we really apart?

Oh my aching heart.

 

It is not fair to lose one’s Mother,

She was so special, she was like no other.

Just the thought of her makes my mind very full.

Are we really apart?

Oh my aching heart!

 

I remember her death, how it made me shake.

The lady in the coffin wasn’t my Mother, it was a fake!

My Mother was special, someone you’d wanna hold

And the mysterious lady, she was hard and so cold!

Are we really apart?

Oh my aching heart!

 

I’ll always remember the life that she led.

She won’t be forgotten, even though she is dead.

I have felt her with me, she makes me strong.

When she is with me, I can do no wrong.

Now I ask you, are we really apart?

I think not, oh my aching heart!!!!

 

I forgot that I had written that on the way to grandparents McAffee’s, but what I do remember about that poem is that I was in our literary magazine and I remember Christian Peo (who I had a HUGE crush on then) was making fun of the title and I remember YELLING at him that it was about my Mom.  Jackass!  Lol, jk, I didn’t say that.

I love you so much Mom!

Love,

Holly

Dead Mom Letters #9 – Giggity Giggity!

Mom!!!!

WIO RESULTS:

Oh Mom, I have the most WONDERFUL news!  Well here, look for yourself!

LAST WEEK’S WEIGHT:  452.9

LAST WEEK’S BP:  156/101

THIS WEEK’S WEIGHT:  442.7

THIS WEEK’S BP:  118/72

Great balls of fire!  Great job fatty!  Are you doing a happy dance for me?  Go ahead-shake your booty Mom (um is that allowed in heaven?)  I’m not even gonna right about the other shit in my life-too depressing.  Finally something wonderful!

No but seriously it is awesome. I’m really proud of myself.  And most of that was actual fat, not muscle or water weight.  This diet is seriously the SUCKIEST and the most awesome at the same time.  It is so very hard, but it is so worth it! 

I’m also stoked because I actually get a snack between meals now – they have these muffins that really aren’t that bad.  But oh joy – a muffin!.  Oh mom did you every do a low carb diet?  I’ve found how pathetically I love sugar and breads.  I guess that will be no surprise to you when you found me eating four pieces of toast – remember that time lol.  SUCH a glutton. 

I’m seriously going to keep following this diet. I don’t totally understand the science behind it but I don’t care, as long as it works.  It is healthy and not starving me.

And why am I busting my ass so much?  Not just for me, but these 2 below are a BIG motivation (and any others that are up there for you waiting to come down lol).

Sammi & Adam are my UNIVERSE!!

 

Love,

Holly

Dead Mom Letters #8 - Sept & Nov 1989

Journal Entries – 1989

 

Well Mom, you know me and my crazy journals.  The below excerpt from one of my journals was written nearly 25 years ago, 2 months after you died.  Below that is a picture of the actual journal so you can see my crazy handwriting (I was going through an ALL-CAPS phase).  Wow, where have the years gone Mom.  Can it be that you have been gone for a quarter of a century?!!  Craziness.

Thursday, September 28, 1989 6:54 AM

On July 28, 1989 (exactly 2 months ago) my dear mother died.  IT was very, very hard for me to stand.  I still have problems even today.

 

I haven’t been able to write in this journal for a while because I didn’t want to have to write it down.

I loved her very much and I still do.  I am glad that there is an afterdeath.

 

In case you are wondering, she passed away in her sleep.  It is extremely difficult to talk about it, so bear with me.  It was a Friday morning at about 5:00…..

Apparently it was too much for me to finish that entry!  Next entry:

Saturday, November 25, 1989 8:24 PM

It has been a long time and I want to start writing in my journal again regularly.  I don’t’ want to write down the details of my mother’s death at this moment because I am not in the mood.

I am in a pretty good mood!  Actually I am in a very good mood!  I love life and I love my family and I love God!!  I want to be like him and I look up to him!  He is a great man!

 

I am learning to accept my Mother’s death.  I understand that God does everything for a purpose.  WE will not always know the purpose, but there definitely is one.  I believe that in my Mother’s case, there are several reasons.

 

I know that my Mom loves me and I know that she knows that I love her.  She is a wonderful person and I care for her deeply.  She touched many lives, especially my own.  Many people said she was a great person and I definitely agree.  She is awesome!  She is okay and she is having a memorable time.  Someday I will see and be with her again, but in a way she will always be with us.  She is in my heart!  In return, I am in her heart.  In that respect her spirit and her memory will always be with me.  What a comfort that great thing is!  I have felt her near and I love her.

 

I go on and talk about how you can rule the school being in ninth grade and talk about how I’m on Nutri-system. 

Journal Entry Pic

 

Current Day (25 Years later ha ha)

Wow, a quarter of a century later and I’m still working on this problem!  Enough is enough Mom right?

It’s really hard, but I know I can do it.  Tomorrow is the big day when I find out how much I lost this week.  Oh I hope the hard work has been worth it!!!  I mean it really has sucked.  I have been so so grumpy!

I think part of that though has been work and also being sick yet again.

Ha, was just going to say ‘love you to death’.

Dork! (me not you Mom)

Love,

Holly

Dead Mom Letters #7

Hi Mom! So I am blogging from my kindle. You would be amazed at this world of technology! Dad even sends text messages! Anywho feeling sick again. Almost losing my voice. At this point it's almost comical.I so need to stop stressing about work! The WIO plan was tough today. Had to call Anders for reinforcement lil. I will conquer this body! Gonna head to bed soon. Sammi made me laugh today. She was drawing and told me she was writing her Christmas list. Where did that come from?! Then on the way home she asked if we could fly to the moon because he is too big to come to our house and she really wants to play with him. She is me and Adam's world! Love you Mom! P.S Please watch over Ivan up there. Tell him we are working on it. (Is there also a Milly up there?) Love Holly

Dead Mom Letters #6 - 1989 The Funeral

Dear Mom,

Did I tell you how much I hate pizza commercials Mom?  I would almost commit murder for a fattening pizza right now.  Hee hee, just kidding Mom.  Don’t call the police.  I think I am a serious negative nelly today.  I just hate E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.  You know those days where you can’t even really fake your smile.  That is pretty rare for me.

Welcome to my pity party!  Just don’t bring any frieakin’ pizza cuz I can’t eat any lol.  Remember when Jen used to call me Holly Bolly.  I guess it was earned.

The WIO Plan

So the diet……oh my hell.  I don’t remember it being THIS hard.  Yes, I remember quitting and it was tough, but I thought that was because I had done it for so long.  Last time I remember being really pumped up the first day.  The first week is tough though.  You don’t get the low carb snacks yet so it’s 3 protein shakes and then a protein meal and veggies.  But then I remember how good you were when you were on slim fast and when you had gastric bypass.  You really stuck to it, so I know I can do it too!  Oh mom, shower me with your strength and love right now! (And yes I know I’m acting like I’m 4 years old and sick.)

Mom did you ever get that icky feeling in your stomach when you are being healthy.  Hell listen to me - that is pretty comical.  Literally every time I’m eating healthy foods – clean foods, protein and veggies – and I mean ONLY that, I get this really unsettled feeling in my stomach.  It does not feel good.  Why is that?  Am I really so used to crappy foods?!  Sheesh.

1989 – The Funeral

I don’t remember all the details of the funeral Mom.  It was so surreal.  It was like someone took me out of my life and placed me another world and I had no idea what was going on and just wanted everything back to normal.

We got mug refills on the way to the viewing and at first we hesitated, but then we realized there was no better tribute to you then bringing Diet Coke.  (I probably should’ve snuck one in your casket).  Is there Diet Coke in heaven Mom?  I really hope so for your sake Mom!  If there wasn’t before, I bet there is now.

We tried to sing us girls, but we were all crying so much we couldn’t make it.  Mom, you would’ve cried to see all the people who came for you.

And everyone knew what we all knew about you Mom.  Every single person there told us how much they loved you.  How much your smile radiated and how you made them feel so special. 

You made a difference Mom.  Oh I want to do the same Mom.  I gotta get out of this fat body and start living my life.  So I just need to stick to it!!!  It’s funny, writing to you, I feel stronger like you are there for me (duh of course you are!)

Dead Mom Letters #5

Dear Mom,

I know I’m a drama queen at times, but today was more rough than I can even describe.  And in fact, I can’t describe it.  I literally can’t say the details of it at all since I’m making your letters so public.  I know I’m the one blogging but damn you internet (okay totally kidding.  Literally can’t imagine life without it-though I did exist for years without it).  Let’s just say that I didn’t get much sleep last night and that I had an incredibly difficult discussion with someone today.  No Mom, I’m not getting a divorce lol.  (I know you would kick my butt if that were the case, because I’m pretty sure you had a hand in selecting my rock – my Adam).

Even now I’m still affected.  A discussion went exactly the opposite as I expected.  My jaw dropped to the floor during it and I’ve been shaking in disbelief ever since.  Oh these horribly cryptic details.  But in time I will be able to reveal pieces I think.

Another piece of this even angered me.  My worth, my value has never been such in question (oh okay, other than one of my missionary companions who had the audacity to tell me once that she just couldn’t see any good qualities in me).  Everything I stand for has been called into question.  All my hard efforts for months have not been appreciated and I am no longer needed.  Oh but before I give it all away…on to the next topic.

The WIO Plan

So I’m going back to the hardest and yet most effective diet plan I’ve ever been on.

And yes it’s not without some trepidation.  But I’ve been losing sleep over this issue as well Mom.  It’s time to take the bull by the horns.

I can do anything I set my mind to.  You taught me that for years Mom, and I really have to tell myself that and believe it with firm conviction to make it work this time.

So with the WIO plan you have 3 shakes a day and one meal (dinner that is a protein and a vegetable).  After the first few weeks you can add some additional snacks.  They have a special flour you can use to make some tasty muffins and pizza etc.

Suddenly I’m having flashbacks of you and dad always being on Slim Fast those many years ago. I remember loving the sip you would give me lol.

But the whole thing is lower carbs.  It works so well for me, but I crave carbs so much!  It’s all I want.  But being on the plan and taking my phentermine (appetite suppressant), I think I really might have a chance Mom.

So the plan is to give it my all on this.  I’ll make you proud of me Mom.

Sammi

Oh there is so much I want to talk to you about her Mom.  Her fiery little spirit-her curls and blue eyes that are turning more green like mine.  Being a mother is such a precious gift, as you well know. I now know and appreciate all you did for me – for me and my sisters too.  You were our rock Mom.  You did such a good job.

I hope I can be half the Mom you were.  I remember wanting to do everything so well, not because you expected or demanded it, but just how you made us feel and how you would brag about us.  How on earth did you keep up with all four of us and all we had going on?!!!!!  No wonder you hated going back to work.  But even when you did Mom you were still there for us.  You remembered who had a test and who had what.  You always asked us about it and helped us with our homework.  You held us to a strict schedule to make sure we got our chores and schoolwork done.  I can’t tell you what a valuable life lesson that was Mom.

This maybe sounds selfish a wee bit, but I guess too I miss hearing all the stories about me.  Oh you know dad.  He tells us one turned blue…he doesn’t remember the specifics, not like you did.  I do remember some things, like how you thought I was such an obedient child until I got glasses at about Sammi’s age and suddenly the world came alive for me lol.  Oh mom how grateful I am that Sammi has good vision thus far!  She is so healthy and for that I’m so grateful.

Are you able to watch down on us often Mom?  I like to think that you do from time-to-time, seeing that silly little girl dance and the crazy things she comes up with!  What an imagination she has. 

 

Somehow it makes me feel closer to you Mom, being a Mom.  It’s an amazing thing.

Well, I know you would encourage me to make the most of this WIO thing and to be grateful we can afford it right now and to go forward, guns blazing!  So I will do it Mom, for me, for you, for Sammi, Adam, and our unborn child.

Love you to pieces!  Say hi to Elvis for me...lol, I KNOW you have had to meet him by now!!!!

 

Love Holly

Dead Mom Letters #4 - July 89 (Obituary)

Well hello dear Mom,

WEEKEND:

You know how I told you that I could really use a huge hug sometimes?  Well that is so true this weekend and I can’t even talk about it as it is work-related.  I guess that is the one lame thing about a blog versus a journal.  But I look at my two boxes of journals and I think holy hell no mas! 

Last night I couldn’t sleep.  My mind was just blown away with some stuff.  And then I started thinking about my weight.  Now actually I have lost weight this week by some miracle.  So this is good.

Last Week’s Weight:  453

This Week’s Weight:  446.4

Well that is 6.6 pounds!  Way exciting.  But I decided it’s time to get extreme.  So last night I was thinking about weight loss surgery again, for hours.  But I’m still not ready to go that extreme quite yet.  So the other thing I was thinking of was the WIO diet again for 6 months.  It is extreme and SO hard for me to follow, but it’s healthy and not cutting into me like the surgery.  I just need to get off a lot of weight quickly so we can have another baby.

July 1989 – The Casket

So in continuing to tell you about how life was for me after you left....let's continue with a few days after. .......

Can I just say that it is pretty weird when your family owns a mortuary?  I mean, its not like its dad or anything and its in our house.  But it is still so weird.  Every time we go there when someone in the family dies, and you see the same people, some you haven’t in hears and it is bittersweet.  So fun to see them but an awful situation.  Plus, my morbid personality can’t help but think this is where I will be one day……….

So I remember going into Uncle Dale’s office and writing up the obituary.  It was all still feeling so surreal.  Then it was time to pick the casket.  We ended up in different groups of 2.  And its funny because we all picked the same rose one.  We all ended up there admiring it, and then Laurie came up and said that you told her that you wanted that one.  Wow.  I think you visited her a lot during that time.  Will you ever visit me Mom?  Of course I have felt you several times….oh this is from Sammi  “I love you Grandma Susan”.  Okay I have to interject and tell you this story Mom real quick.  Your painting that James did – I was telling her about you so she would often say hi to you.  So then she says one day “Grandma Susan, that is my mom.  Mom, that is my wall grandma!”

How cute is that!  I like to think you were watching right then and just beamed at that!

 

Well that is how it went – I’ll tell you about the funeral next time.

Dead Mom Letters #3

Hi Mom!

Wednesday:

Hope it is going great up there all that singing with the angels and whatnot lol.

Well today is going better.  I’m not quite as ‘hangry’ for everything delicious, decadent and sinful.  But maybe I’m just in a good mood because I’m off on Friday.  Not doing anything special, I just needed a day off!  I am going to get my hair done but mostly just sleep a little more and try to get back to full health.

Boy that new asthma medicine is really kicking in.  Wahoo!  Funny how breathing really makes a difference.  All of that gargling and netty pot crap is pretty icky and a hassle, but boy it sure cleans the nasal passages nicely!

Last night Sammi was being a total cuddle bug which I just love!  She really is such a heaven-send Mom.  She is just the kind of kid that you loved in church.  She is so animated.  What a drama queen!  She was sitting on my lap and just wanted to give me kisses.  She kissed my nose, my chin, my lips, and cheeks and was just laughing.  So cute.  It’s those moments that you just really thank God for.  I was watching her on her rocking horse saying she was so happy and laughing and I thought this is what life is really about.  What an amazing privilege motherhood is!  It truly is an honor and privilege to see her discover the world.  How amazing it is to see a tree or the train.  That complete excitement.  Love it!  Reminds you to appreciate life more.  And you just want the best for them and provide them with the world!  Her birthday is coming up in June and she wants a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse birthday.  So fun.  Just love that little one!  Gotta get some weight off so I can give her a little brother.  I’m sure you are up there playing with little Ivan Charles Holt right now!

Thursday:

Today is not going as well.  Dropped my phone and it is cracked again, after just getting it fixed.  Got thrown a curve ball at work.  Needless to say we went out to dinner and I had PB pie for dessert.  Ick!  Get it to together Holly.  Need to get back to tracking.  It’s always something with me.  Need someone to follow me along and crack a whip when I put something fattening in my mouth!

Or there are my other ideas I find clever but no one else does.  There is Diane's idea (Mom #2 lol) of chopping off both of your legs, but hell then you would be overweight still for your height.  Holy shit my legs are probably 100 pounds each. Ick that's so gross.  SO gross.  Okay idea #2 I keep telling Adam is just to drop me off in a jungle for 6 months.  Come back and I'll be skinny that's for sure (hopefully not dead lol).  That is the best kind of fat camp ever.  The final idea I have is to take my fat and transplant it into the bodies of all those starving kids in Africa who really need some fat.  I will volunteer to save an entire village! 

Love you to pieces!

Holly

Dead Mom Letters #2 - July 89

 

Dear Mom,

I keep wondering when the hell I won’t be sick lol. It is pretty rough on me.  I can barely keep up with being a mom, working, and working out when I’m healthy! It’s almost been four weeks now. How crazy is that! My poor husband.  I’m pretty sure you must have had something to do with that.  You knew I needed a very P-A-T-I-E-N-T  man.  He is my rock.

It was a pretty rough weekend for me at first.  Friday night I went to the instacare as I kept getting worse – for the first time ever antibiotics were not friend.  I was kind of freaked out as my oxygen was down to 87.  They ordered a chest x-ray to check for pneumonia.  How scary is that!  It ended up being that I have bronchitis and everything is getting worse not from my gigantic tonsils but from my asthma.  So I’m following up tomorrow with the doc.  Holy shitballs I have paid a lot of copays lately.  Thank you insurance!

These last two days have been TORTURE mom, for SO many reasons.  I just want a DONUT.  Can’t believe it is so hard to be good.  It’s like there is this really evil fat lady inside me that just wants to eat the hell out of everything bad for you.

Finally went to the doctor today (Tuesday) AGAIN and he reviewed Friday’s trip to the instacare and the last 2 times.  Basically in 8 weeks I’ve been sick for almost 6 weeks of it.  How crazy is that!  It all stems from my asthma so now I have bronchitis, but at least I have some good meds to keep it under good control and then I need to gargle some stuff and do the nasal rinse.

It’s funny cuz he told me not to work out the rest of the week so my asthma can recover-my lungs etc.  Ha ha, doctor has never told me that before!

I was going to work out with Dad today.  Oh Mom, wait until you hear all the shit about dad lol.  Gotta love him, but holy cow DRAMA.  But that will come later.

July 1989 – Part 2

 

It’s funny how you truly have no idea how horrible it is losing someone until it actually happens.  I mean, I remember being sad when I had heard of deaths, either from friends or from the news and so forth.

Did you ever have it hit you really hard Mom when someone died?  I still remember that feeling, though it was 25 years ago when it sunk it that we lost you.  Words are completely inadequate.  It’s this pain deep-down in your very soul. 

A heartache so strong you can barely walk, talk, or do anything.  You simply lose your will to do anything, and nothing in the world matters any longer.  The cold and depth of this crushing anguish utterly consumes you.

 The neighbors were so sweet Mom, coming over to offer condolences and food, though it’s the last thing you want to do is eat.  I remember a lot of my friends were at camp, so I often retreated into your room and laid on your pillow. I realized how it still smelled like you and I wanted to remember and capture that smell forever. I tried so hard to remember the last time I kissed and hugged you but I couldn’t and I was so upset that I couldn’t remember such a simple thing. Perhaps our minds block us from things too painful to bear.

 I remember for those first few nights we all slept in Laurie’s room.  There was this horrid feeling that someone else would go, this totally irrational fear, but it was like you didn’t want to sleep in case someone else would leave.  Sounds silly now, but the feeling was so real.  I didn’t want to chance it, so we spent every second together.  Not exactly the way we expected to spend the last days of summer.

 

I love you so much!!!

 

Holly