Oh Mom!
I miss you more than
you can ever know! Mom, I just want to again reiterate how much I love you to
pieces and appreciate all that you did for us.
Looking back I’m amazed. I
remember how crushed you were when you had to start working again. And yet when you worked so hard, you still
took such good care of us. I remember
coming home from school and it felt like I was your only concern in the
world. You knew exactly what was going
on with all of us. You kept track of
every test, made sure we spent time on our homework, doing chores, etc, and
even made our meals. Mom, how on earth
did you do it all? I can’t do it and I
only have ONE kid. I am truly amazed and
in awe about in Mom.
How I wish you were
here, that I could just call you up and talk to you, especially now with this
huge secret I’m dealing with. Oh it’s
all getting better as things tend to do with time, and in a couple of weeks I
will be completely happy (I hope lol). And
we have a trip planned soon so how much have I to look forward to. That is what I need to focus on.
When I think about
it (the secret), I can’t sleep and just get more upset then you could even
imagine. I’ve never been questioned in
such a way before. Something I’ve been
completely solid in my entire life has been threatened, unfairly so, and I was
blind-sighted completely. And it is a
huge life-change for me – well I mean its not like getting married or anything,
but it is a big part of your life. Oh now I’m dramatizing it. A few people know, and those also
directly affected are just as shocked and upset about it which makes me feel
better.
People who have a
mom to be able to call up and shoot the breeze with or to talk to on occasion, should
CHERISH every moment. Did you feel that
way with Grandma Mom? It
seems you were super close, but it seems it may have been complicated somewhat. I think you probably felt a lot of pressure
from her, but I know you knew she loved you. I wonder too since she was a
single Mom for so long if you felt like you couldn’t complain ever because she
did it by herself or whatever. Oh Mom,
these are the adult conversations I sometimes imagine having with you if you
were alive lol. Am I selfish to just
wish I could hear you say “Oh Holly, Sammi does this or that just like you did.”?
I think that is the part that brings me
to tears Mom. I just wish I could see
you enjoy her Mom. How I wish I could
see you hold her and laugh with her. Oh
man you would just love her and vice versa!!!
You two would giggle and laugh, I can just almost picture it, but
damnit, why can’t I see it! Oh how I
really wish I could.
Friends are awesome
and husbands as well! (hee hee, that
makes it sound like I have several). So
I just want to hit myself in the head and say what in the hell do you have to
complain about!!! I know I’m letting
this affect me WAY more than I should.
Did I tell you I
feel off the band-wagon a little last week, but I’m back on. The WIO (I’ve been
telling friends to go to http://wiodiet.com/
to hear about this diet and MESSAGE me if you are interested because I can get anyone
a discount by referring them and a discount for me) kind of reminds me of when
you guys did Slim Fast so much. It’s a liquid
diet so brutal I’m not gonna lie but you do get food and you can have cheat
meals on occasion and it WORKS so I’m grateful!
I’m loving it!
Dad and I have also
been swimming. He is on his fourth wife
lol (don’t even get me started that is skipping ahead WAY too much), but I’m
proud of him for wanting to get into shape J
So 9th
grade! I mean you are kind of king of
the school. Thankfully I had a lot of
support with friends. We were all so
worried about Laurie-she was 8! So young
to lose your Mother. I think we were all
going through our own personal hell one way or another. Debbie was with Warren so I’m glad she had
that support. Jen dated Chris that year
and was busy with her cheerleading. Oh
Mom, I still worry about them sometimes.
I mean I’d like to think we have coped okay, but it does affect
you. I think we have all gained wait-not
so much with Laurie.
I’m still upset
about one of our neighbors Mom and I have thought about contacting her. Remember Sue (Carothers)? You guys were BFF’s practically. I remember going to plays and to their summer
cabin with their family a lot. Well
remember how I said we were all in a fight that night you died. Jen I think held on to a lot of guilt for
years and she felt she started the argument.
Then she talked to Sue on the phone that night and Sue told her to make amends
with you, and well none of us did. Well
then Sue told her the week you did that Jen should have listened to her. Can you even believe that? And even worse, she told Debbie that the
whole thing was her fault for being with Warren who you didn’t approve of. WTF, right?
I kinda want to kick this lady, which is surprising since they were so
close with us. Can you even believe she
said those things? My poor sisters. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to
look her up, write her a letter and ask her to make amends with them. But hello, this was years ago. Let bygones be bygones right? I mean is it even worth it at this point, and
I’m really not the person involved. But
I’m sorry to speak ill of your friend Mom, but I kinda want to kick her pretty
hard in the nuts (ha ha, remember when I came and told you some kicked me in
the nuts and you guys laughed and laughed which made me so pissed! Lmao).
But anyway, that isn’t
really my story. One of my friends said
we should all write a book lol. And
trust me, we could Mom, wait until you hear some of it. You will not even believe it.
Back to 9th
grade………Since you didn’t die during the actual school year, I didn’t feel so
much like ‘the girl whose Mom died’. I
had Amy Martin (who I actually see now sometimes) and Stacie Mathis. Also I was in Quest, that gifted and talented
program you got me into. I really loved
it Mom. I was in classes that year with
the same people. My group was kind of
comprised of me, Stacie, Ryan, Matt, Christian, and Frank – or at least in my
mind it was lol. My favorite teacher was
Rose Jacklin (history) and it was cool because she was in our stake so she knew
you and was really supportive of me (especially when I got a couple of F’s
later that school year). My science
teacher’s wife (Dorothy Keddington) write these books (Jayhawk and Return to
Red Castle) that I STILL love to this day lol.
I loved Spanish
class and I adored my seminary teacher.
I was the Social Vice President in our class. I just remember lots of scripture chases that
were totally my favorite lol.
Life wasn’t without
drama though. Dad dated his first Diane
in November and was thinking of marrying her.
I just remember not getting why he had to date right away. That really hurt. I wasn’t ready to get another Mom. And he wanted us to go on diets with him.
HELLO. What the hell dad. Well NOW I get it, he is one of those men
that can’t be alone! Makes sense now,
but when you are 14 you just think your dad is kind of a freak. Poor dad, he had his own crap to deal
with. I think it was really hard that we
never had any counseling or anything.
Then someone called DCFS and Jen was scared at school when some DCFS was
asking her a lot of probing sexual questions.
Apparently someone was thinking dad couldn’t protect us from Uncle Don
(which I have to ask you about all of that one day, so confused about family
drama-I do remember the infamous pool table fight where you and dad ended up in
the hospital). Then the Fullmer’s
offered to take Laurie which I know was just out of concern but I think dad was
kind of upset about it. Its so sad Mom
but when you died, it kind of felt like we all died for that side of the family
– your side I mean. We still saw Grandma
of course, but sadly we didn’t really keep in touch with the others. It just was hard when you are a kid. I mean with a divorce at least it is all
organized and you get time on the holidays with both sides etc. It was hard for that reason for sure.
I remember sometimes
getting bad feelings and being afraid a lot of the time and having scary dreams
about ghosts and crazy things.
And then my
poems. Jen says they are really
morbid. Here was the first one I wrote
on January 21st, 1990
OH MY ACHING HEART
I find it very hard to let go,
My hearts feels she’s gone, but my mind says no.
Could it be that it’s just a dream?
Or is everything how it seems.
Are we really apart?
Oh my aching heart.
It is not fair to lose one’s Mother,
She was so special, she was like no other.
Just the thought of her makes my mind very full.
Are we really apart?
Oh my aching heart!
I remember her death, how it made me shake.
The lady in the coffin wasn’t my Mother, it was a fake!
My Mother was special, someone you’d wanna hold
And the mysterious lady, she was hard and so cold!
Are we really apart?
Oh my aching heart!
I’ll always remember the life that she led.
She won’t be forgotten, even though she is dead.
I have felt her with me, she makes me strong.
When she is with me, I can do no wrong.
Now I ask you, are we really apart?
I think not, oh my aching heart!!!!
I forgot that I had
written that on the way to grandparents McAffee’s, but what I do remember about
that poem is that I was in our literary magazine and I remember Christian Peo
(who I had a HUGE crush on then) was making fun of the title and I remember
YELLING at him that it was about my Mom.
Jackass! Lol, jk, I didn’t say
that.
I love you so much
Mom!
Love,
Holly
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