Dead Mom Letters #1 - July 89

Dead Mom Letters:  #1-July 89

Dear Mom,

I can’t believe it’s almost been 25 years since you passed.  How I often wonder what life would be like if you were here?  And hell, I know “everything happens for a reason” , “You are in a better place”,  and blah, blah blah,  every other annoying cliché related to dead people, but selfishly, I just wish I could call you up, especially lately as I feel my life sort of crashing in on me.   I miss your big smile and how you would make me feel.  Your sense of humor etc.  But most of all how proud you were of me all the time.

If you were here today, I know there would be things (probably a long list that mirrors my own pretty close) you would be disappointed in me about, but you would love me in spite of it all.  You’d let me cry and maybe you’d even hold me like you used to and tell me everything will be okay.  OMG I’m jealous of everyone in the universe who has a living mother, even the horrible ones lol.  Even if you beat the shit out of me, you’d still be here.  Ok totally not appropriate – just kidding.  But you know what I mean.  And you would just roll your eyes and laugh at me right? 

Oh Mom, I’m pretty different now than that little smartie pants in all the “gifted and talented” (ha ha) classes you got me in.  Remember how you used to show everyone who came over my latest award or somehow brag about my achievements?   You were SO proud of me.  Everything I did, I did for you.  And it’s not like I felt pressured into it, you just were so good and pushing me to be all I could be.  If you could see me now……..

There is probably stuff you are WAY ashamed about.  I drink sometimes Mom.  I don’t go to church anymore at all – like never.    I love coffee.  I swear like a sailor when I’m alone in the car (and sometimes in my blogs).  I never finished college mom.  I had sex before I got married.  I talked back to Grandma a LOT (I’m pretty sure you are okay with that one).  I guess that’s all a little more severe than when I flooded the basement and burned a whole in the couch, eh?  Oh and did I mention I weigh 455.8 pounds?

I don’t want you to think I’m suicide-on-a-stick or anything.  I do have LOTS of things going for me and for which I’m super proud of.  Like for example, I never murdered anyone but don’t look too far into my trunk – lol.  No but seriously I have a good job (that I try to not let stress the hell out of me).  I’m married to the most amazing man who treats me right and pretty much is going straight to heaven for putting up with all my shit. And we have an angel right here on earth – Sammantha Ruth Holt.  Ruth after your middle name.  But I can’t take credit for Sammi. 

She is beautiful and intelligent, with the most amazing personality, but she came that way.  I’m pretty sure I have nearly nothing to do with it other than being the oven she was baked in.  I do think I do a good job with her – teaching her and playing with her, but its no challenge at all! She is the most precious thing to me.  Without her and Adam I really don’t think I could do it.

I’m working on getting healthier.  I’m actually okay with the rest.  It’s been quite a journey Mom.  It’s pretty complicated with lots of ups and downs, right?  I’d like to think if you heard the whole journey, you’d understand completely.  At least I think.  And I don’t mean to place blame or make excuses.  Shit happens to us all right?

I actually would love to tell you ALL about it.  I think this has given me new purpose to my blog.

So I’ll keep you updated on my weight loss progress, and then tell you about the last 25 years.  Easy Peezy! I feel a little closer to you already Mom.
Caloric Intake:  (Watch the sodium wowsers, but way to stay under calories!):

Activity Log:  So please remember that I'm sick lol.  Was staying in bed all day, so really didn't expect this to be good lol.:

 

Plan

It’s going great so far.  I made eggs this morning.  Having a chicken salad for lunch.  Gotta get serious Mom.  We want to have another baby, so time to get real.  I must also lost weight for my sanity and for my health.  That has never been so out of control in my entire life.  High blood pressure, sleep apnea, asthma and I’ve been sick for almost 4 weeks now.  Haven’t had a voice off and on.  Driving me insane!  Right before that I threw my back out.  I can’t handle it anymore.  Right now its so hard to breathe-coughing, congested, headache.  Incredibly difficult beyond compare.  But I know I can do this.  I can be happy and make you proud of me once more.

July 1989

I remember that night like it was yesterday.  A fight started and everyone was yelling at everyone.  Like a typical 14-year-old brat I yelled that I hated you as I went downstairs.  Deb, Jen and I slept in the same room and we were talking smack about you.  But I’m done with the years of guilt I’ve had over that.  I know you understand and know we love you etc. 

Next thing we knew, suddenly dad is downstairs crying (for the first time that I had ever seen) at us saying “Mom did it.  She killed herself”.

The rest of that day seemed like a movie.  I can picture it all, but sometimes its hard to believe it really happened.  It plays like some surreal movie in my mind as I recall it now.  Grandma Dyer accusing Dad of killing you.

I remember you there on the couch holding Afrin in one hand, not moving.  I remember the coroner moving you and this horrid cracking sound resonated.  Finally someone dragged us girls to the neighbors.  I remember being in Jill Davis’s room (my best friend back then) crying.  She woke up and I told her you were gone.  We both just cried and cried.  Her dad came down and told me not to listen to anyone who says that people who kill themselves go to hell and that God would know what was in your heart.  Oh Mom, what was in your heart?  We would end of wondering that for years.  Did you overdose on purpose, or was it you trying to get an escape?  And no judgement from me Mom.  I totally understand why there were times you would drink in secret and take too many prescription pills.  Life is fucking hard sometimes.  You had so much on your plate.  I totally get it.

So here’s the deal.  I don’t know if you meant to or not but I don’t care.  I know you love us all and miss us and regret it all.  I feel privileged that I had you the time I did.  You were a great Mom.  I don’t harbor any negative feelings Mom.  Yes there were scary throwing plates and some crazy times, but I get it Mom.  I think you had a little imbalance and that is nothing to be ashamed of at all.  You did an incredible job, and you taught me so much.  And remembering all of that, it gives me the courage to press forward and fight this battle.  I know I have your support from the other side.

I love you!

PS, I really really miss you!

Love,

Holly