Some days the rain will fall

Today I felt sort of listless….not sure if thinking about all the times I’ve tried out for reality shows for fatties got me down or what, but I went cRAZY today! 

To give you an idea, I ate 3 mini ice cream cones, ironically while I was reading The Hunger Games (book made me hungry???? Lmao).  Oh lord what fools these mortals be!

Well here is the thing, I am HUMAN (at least last time I checked).  But what I will do now is what really matters.  I’m not going to get all depressed and quit everything and just eat like a crazy person and give up.

Nope, this chick is getting back on the horse – I’m back in the saddle again.  Food you will not defeat me!  I use your for my health purposes, not the other way around.  Eat to live, not the other way around, right?

Not sure if this is a coincidence but I went down to a lower dosage of Phentermine today (had requested a refill as the first 5 days gave me a headache but it did subside).  I think I’m gonna go back to the higher dose!

It’s been wonderful having Sammi for so long on these longer weekends. Having Friday off was AWESOME!  We just had so much fun at the zoo.  2 more days off.  Wahoo!

Getting back to business tomorrow.  Going to eat really light in the morning and afternoon as we have a little family party at night.

 

 

 

My letter to Chis Powell.....

Chris,

You are truly one of my heroes in life.  You have given so many deserving people a second chance at life, making it your life’s mission!  I look into those deep blue eyes, and even though it’s through the television (ha ha), I feel like I can see directly into your soul.  Chris, it amazes me the love, the honest-to-goodness empathy you have for these people who were mere strangers.  You aren’t all about making money off some show, you really CARE about helping people, and it’s incredible!

I would give my left arm to have that awesome privilege to gain from your expertise, your experience (like you’ve said, this ain’t your first rodeo).  Oh Chris, everyone is so deserving of your gift and has had insurmountable trials and tribulations.  How could I dare expect you to choose me from the thousands?  I know you would help us all if you could.

I guess to gain your heart, I’d need to share my own story – I know you have heard similar Chris.  I should tell you how my beloved mother took her own life when I was 14.  I know you could imagine the devastation that brought on.  My dad’s later incarceration was no trivial matter either.

Oh Chris, I’ve been on more diet programs than I care to admit.  I am nearing 500 pounds and have recently lost 12, but I admit I am terrified, because it isn’t just about me anymore.  I was married four years ago to the most amazing and supportive man, who saw more than just my fat ass.  He truly loves me, and we were blessed with one of God’s angels – Sammantha (we call her Sammi) 3 years ago.

I just have to lose all this weight Chris.  Keeping up with Sammi just takes everything out of me.  This big body is falling apart on me, and I need the energy to keep up with her!  I also want her to have everything in life – I can’t stand for her to lose out on anything just because of my weaknesses.  I can barely keep up taking her to normal activities like the aquarium, or the zoo, hiking or other more strenuous outings are completely out of the question!  She will want to go to Disneyland soon, and I want to be on those rides with her, not sitting miserable looking on – ashamed and wishing I could join. 

Chris, we have been trying for one more little blessing – I feel that soul just begging to come down, but this time the pregnancy is just not happening.  I’m devastated to think that the fact that I can’t bring my husband another kid, a sibling for my Sammi, that it is my fault.  I’m 39, so the clock is ticking fast!  How could I live with the fact that I couldn’t make our family complete because of my own weaknesses.  It’s more than I can bear.

Life is just pure misery when you are close to 500 pounds Chris.  I can definitely see how people give up and end up not getting out of bed and end of 800 pounds.  I’m terrified that will be me.  I can NOT let that happen.  I can’t because my family NEEDS me. 

I want my life back Chris.  I want to be able to run and keep up with Sammi.  I would love to play sports again – I have a passion for soccer and volleyball.  I don’t want anything to hold me back in life – and this big meatsuit definitely is.  More than anything, once I got the weight off, I would love to help other people do it too!  I want to make a difference in this world Chris, just like you do!   I would love it if you found it in your heart to give that to me incredible chance!

Holly

 

(If I were to send one, this is what I would send)

I'm my own reality

Adam is eating nachos right now, I kind of want to punch him and then take his nachos and run lol.  But that’s okay, I don’t need nachos at 10:38 at night!

So I woke up seriously sore, as I imagined I would after yesterday’s 2.5 miles but I was proud of that pain lol.  And I kind of wonder if that Kyani stuff is helping with the pain too, because there have been other times I’ve overdone it and not been able to do much at all.

I was really worried I wouldn’t physically be able to do the zoo.  I figured I’d have to make myself go and dread having to stop every five minutes and being a big pain in the ass.

But I was actually looking forward to it!  Nothing was going to get in my way of family time.  Sammi needs those types of things.  I just want to be the best Mom I can be!

I am happy to say that I wasn’t stopping every two seconds – there was the part up higher where the giraffes used to be where it is pretty steep that I had to go super slow and take breaks, but other than that I seriously did awesome!  And I looked around and noticed NO ONE my size except for one guy cruising around in a motorized Jazzy or whatever those are called.  Oh sure I saw chubby peeps, but not HEAVY like yours truly.  And although I’m sad for them not being there, I have to say I’ve vastly proud of myself.  It truly wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t the only thing I was thinking about.  I was able to enjoy my little sweetheart and my husband.

After it all, Adam’s app showed that it was 2 miles walking around the zoo!  Hooray!  That just makes me seriously happy.

And I have to give a huge shout out to my father.  I invited him, seriously thinking he would so no, not in a million years as he is trying to get healthy just like me.  But he agreed.  After the first few minutes he told me he was done, but I kept pushing him.  It pained me to do so as you could tell how much it hurt him, but I was so proud of him.  A block is more than he can usually do and he did at least a good mile.  He also got a bike recently and has been going up and down the block. I’ve SO proud of him!

Tomorrow I should get some good exercise cleaning (boo) and then my dad and I are going to go walking/biking in the evening so that will be awesome.

This takes a lot of work, but it is so worth it.

REALITY SHOWS FOR FATTIES

I watched of the Extreme Weight Loss episodes.  I get so inspired by these people who lose so much – though I have to be careful comparing as they lose SO quickly.

It quickly reminded me about my own attempts at being on reality shows.  Those closest to me will remember those days lol.  It all started off with trying out for the Biggest Loser, of which I have now done 4-5 times.  My sister and I sent in a video and were being considered.  We were so bummed at not getting picked.  Then a couple of years ago I was asked to try out for the Extreme Weight Loss.  That was quite a process.  I filled out form after form – writing letters after letters.  Adam helped me make more video tapes than I care to remember.  I was signing release forms!  I was convinced I was going to be chosen and was in the top 50.  But alas it wasn’t meant to be. 

Unbelievable!  I’ve been asked several times to audition but it has never yielded to anything!  Well, f**k that, I will do it on my own!!!

In case you are curious, here is the first audition tape I did on YouTube.

 

Did I walk 4 miles today?????????

LATE LAST NIGHT thru EARLY MORNING……

How is it 3 AM and I haven’t yet slept!!!!  I’ve been tossing and turning since 11.  My usual combination (Sleep on left side, sleep on belly, then sleep on right side and repeat twice-sheesh I’m like a sleeping robot) was not working.  For one thing, I just can’t get comfortable!  My stinkin’ sleep apnea mask feels like some obnoxious sea creature with its sucking tentacles deeply rooted onto my face like it’s pulling for all it’s worth.  Then there is the phlegm (isn’t that a loathsome word) that won’t seem to escape my throat making me cough and hindering my breathing. 

                

My shoulder and back ache something fierce (not that I’m complaining – ha ha ha ha!), but the worst thing is that my brain simply won’t stop thinking about anything and everything.  “What can I do more to my video at work to make it funny?”  “Wow, I can’t believe I challenged myself to walk 4 miles tomorrow when 1 mile kicks my ass.”  “I hope Sammi gets the hang of this potty training business.”  “Did I remember to do the dishes?”  This is how it has been for the last 4 hours….tossing and turning, though after though spinning in my head.  Why the hell am I not tired?

LATER………

My alarm went off at 6….yeah that did not go over very well.  I looked at my phone in utter disgust and turned it off with a ‘hell no’ and slept until 7:30. 

Oh shiz!  The plan was for me to do my walking video for 2 miles this morning and then finish my other 2 miles in the evening (yes MY particular path to hell is INDEED paved with oh so many good intentions)….

Damnit, why didn’t I do those miles earlier!  Tonight is gonna kill me.  I got ready (you know my boring pony tail because wearing my hair down just makes me sweat all day even just sitting) quickly and headed to my favorite place on earth besides home – Beans and Brews (screw you Disneyland jk).

LATER THAT EVENING…..

Work was fun as I’m working on a different type of video than I normally do.  I managed to take my fatness out a couple of times to go for a walk too – once with Janet (love you girl) and once by me onsey…..I found this path behind my work that is kind of rustic and all full of nature and shit.  Sure my head was throbbing and my body yelling at me quite loudly and profusely as I sweated a river off of my head and neck, but hey there were butterflies, grasshoppers, and even cows to witness my efforts.  Son of a bitch it sucks to be fat!  I mean it shouldn’t kill a person to go on a 1.5 mile walk (that was actually the combined total of TWO short walks).  But hey, I am proud as shit of my fat ass for realz!  Only 2.5 miles to go (OMG I’m so gonna drop dead today)

EVEN LATER…….

Well did I do the 4 miles?  Well I did 2.75!  And I have to tell you that it seriously kicked my ass. I REALLY wanted to do that 4 miles, but I also didn’t want to faint and have to have like 10 paramedics carry me into the ambulance.

I don’t feel like a failure, I feel SO happy.  In the last 3 weeks I’ve only been able to do 1 mile each day.  I did almost 3 times that today so I ROCK!

 

 

 

                  

Gonna be sore as hell tomorrow lolz.

 

Thursday's challenge!

                    

I have lost 3% of my body weight (12.4 pounds).  Sometimes after working hard you get anxious, especially if you let your mind wander to how much MORE you have to lose.  So instead, I have done a little research (you know from my buddy Google.  He says he knows EVERYTHING) and there are surprisingly a lot of health benefits from losing even just 5% of your body weight.  IT’S ENCOURAGING!

But I feel I need to kick my effort up a notch (or maybe several).  I know I can do more.  So my challenge for tomorrow is to do 4 miles of walking.  Yes bitches, I said FOUR miles (I know I can’t even count that high) I have hitherto (My aren’t we elegant?  Fancy meeting me for tea in a fortnight madam?) only done 1 mile in a day so tomorrow will be tough.  I will give myself a recovery day and can rest on Friday.  Oh shiz I’m dreading posting this blog already lol.

                                                                

Think I can do it?  Well come hell or high water I sure as hell better do it to save face if nothing else!  I may die (dramatic much?) during it, but I will meet the challenge!

And I challenge YOU (yeah you!) to do a little more tomorrow.  Already working out?  Cool – add 10 minutes more tomorrow and just enjoy it!  Your body will love it!

                             

Not working out currently – no worries.  Can you do five minutes?  Not sure you can do that – no problem.  So tomorrow as you watch tv, during one of the shows, just get up on every commercial break (instead of fast-forwarding hee hee) and do a little cleaning or prepping for the next day and then go and sit back down. 

LET’S DO THIS!!!!

                        

I’d love to hear how you do tomorrow if you want to comment on here or my facebook or email me hollymholt@gmail.com!

Another day!

 My dad found a good deal on another little play house on KSL so we bought it, suckers that we are.  Why is it so tempting to spoil your kid rotten!

With the potty training she is doing well today – on space 2 of the Frozen game.  She really wants her prize!

I keep thinking about my Disneyland idea – planning a trip right now like putting a deposit down.  I keep thinking about it and it just excites me SO much.  Haven’t been able to fit on a roller coaster forever.  I CAN’T wait!

              

PRISON MEALS:

Hopefully I’m never knowingly eating my last meal (sadly probably most of our last meals is like jello in some crappy hospital), but here is what I would choose on my last day:

Breakfast:  Pancakes with extra butter & syrup, eggs with cheese & salsa, and hash browns with cheese, and a cinnamon roll with butter (I mean it’s my last day right?)

Lunch:  chicken Caesar salad with extra croutons and dressing, sugar cookie with frosting (hmmm maybe 2), and a chocolate brownie with frosting

Dinner:  Enchiladas, carrot cake 

PET PEEVES:

The biggest pet peeve for today is how I lost my ability to work from home when they reorganized my department.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and I am grateful to have one and for all the benefits I have, so really I shouldn’t complain (but when has anything every stopped me lol)

I REALLY miss working from home because it means less time with Sammi.  And I didn’t even have her here with me during the day or anything, but this was the difference.  Adam goes into work later and would take Sammi to his sisters, therefor I would typically start working at 7 AM and Sammi would hang out with me for an hour before she left for work.  Then I would typically exercise with Lisa (my bestie) during the day.  Then I would go get Sammi at 4 and be home by 4:30.  Now I have to be available for meetings much later so if I work until 5, I may not get home until 6:30 – 2 hours later!  And when she goes to bed at 8:30, that’s not much time.  So not working from home means I have 2-3 less hours a day with my little angel.  I really miss it so much!  It makes my heart just ache thinking about it!

WARM FUZZIES:

Life gets pretty hard sometimes, right?  Sometimes it feels like it’s really kicking your ass.  You get so tired and there is so much going on, but there are some really precious moments in life where you sit back and think “I want to remember this always.”  Today’s moments:

·      Sammi having me open my mouth and saying “Let me see your blood Mommy.”  After explaining she says “I’m very disappointed” (as only a precocious 3 year old can say)

·      Adam pressing me for a bigger hug this morning on the way out

·      Working on a fun video (for once) at work

·      Sammi showing Grandma Susan (her wall grandma-my mother that died when I was 14)

·      Sammi “Mom, I missed you all day, I wanna hold you”

I know I’m cornball, but I’m so smiling right now!

IN REVIEW:

I was within my calories today, BUT the food I had was not as healthy and more on the fattening side so I need to watch that.  Honestly if I only do that one day besides my cheat meal on Saturday, I will still lose but I want to lose as much as possible and quicker rather than slower considering how much I have to lose.  Yet they do say you should lose it slow to ensure you keep it off, but at my weight I can lose more than the average joe.  It is better to be as strict as possible.  But you have to live right?  So it is a constant battle.

I guess it’s kind of like getting out of debt.  There are those that are hard core cancel your cable, don’t buy magazines and don’t go out to get out of debt as quick as possible – then there are those who slowly pay off their debt and then there is everyone in between there somewhere.  The rapidity of your results is based on how much you are will to sacrifice.

 

Keepin' Up

MONDAY:

I found out I lost 2.6 more pounds.  Not my 3, but hey I made up for it the first 2 weeks, right?  I am very excited!

We went miniature golfing with Sammi this afternoon and she was just cracking me up.  She got really annoyed after a bit from us trying to show her how to swing and then gave up the club altogether and resorted to chucking the ball into the holes.  It was pretty damn funny.  I just get a kick out of my little princess! 

TUESDAY:

I feel myself slipping a little!  Instead of exercising I took the easy way out (Adam’s brothers were over and with Adam being off this week the house as atrocious!) and cleaned.  Well it still counts as exercise so that is good.  It just seemed all my good intentions fell out the door.  For instance my dad was going to bring his bike over and then it rained.  I was going to take Sammi for a walk and yet it stormed all night.  I was going to do my workout but then Adam’s brothers were in the living room.  That’s when I decided ‘Oh hell, I’ll just clean!”

I am finally drinking more water which is excellent.  I know the Diet Coke isn’t good for me at all.

KYANI:

This is a product I’m trying that my cousin sells and so far so good – I’ve just been on it for a few days and I do feel more energy.

CONFESSION TIME:

Oh man, I really swore to myself that I would take this to the grave but it is just too delicious for someone to read, so I must confess it!

So I am one of those SECRET eaters, and just as it sounds, this is basically eating where no one can see you to avoid the SHAME I guess.  Stupid because you still feel the shame of it inside and your ass still packs it on just the same.

So when I worked for Gates Rubber Company (hee hee no they didn’t make rubbers), it was a really small company and I was especially embarrassed for anyone to see me eating from the junk machine, right?  I had a particular hankering for those big soft and deliciously fattening pink cookies, you know the ones covered in sprinkles?  So I would take my fat ass to the machine, ensuring no one was in view, hurry and buy it like a speedy rabbit and chuck it in my purse and high-tail it into the ladies room.

Yup, you guessed it – bathroom stall munching.  I don’t know if that is really a term, but it is now lol.  I mean how gross can you get?  I mean it wasn’t like I ate it off the toilet (shudder) or anything, but how could you eat in such a place, the most revolting location ever??!!!  SO gross.  You got your money’s worth with that one.

 

PET PEEVES:

I think I could probably write a novel about my pet peeves that would rival ‘War and Peace’.  Probably a bad sign into my nature but oh well!  Today’s (and really this whole week’s) pet peeve is how my husband seems to get twice as much vacation as me.  He is off this week and although I do have Friday off, it pales in comparison.  It’s not that I need time off, it’s just that time with Sammi, my 3-year old!  I’m just SO jealous!  It makes me miss working from home SO much as I at least used to hang out with both of them whenever Adam was off.  Oh those were the days!

THIS WEEK’S PROJECT:

Potty training has not gone very well.  Now we are doing a game with Frozen (her favorite movie) and she gets to move a space every time she goes #1 and 2 spaces for #2, but one back when she has a slip-up.  When she gets to the end, she gets this Pizza Party dishes thing that she picked out.  I told her about it tonight and she already went potty once, so I have hope!

IN REVIEW:

I need to stay strong and be solid – really need to beef up the water and kick up the exercise like 10 levels – okay at least a few!  Get that fat ass moving as much as possible, eh?

I need to keep up blogging and tracking my food on www.myfitnesspal.com  as this really keeps me motivated!