Enough wallowing!

So I have to say I am AMAZED by the heartfelt and caring comments I have received from people on Facebook.  It just amazes me that in this busy world anyone has time to even read a blog lol.  It means a lot that people care, and especially enough to make an encouraging comment.  People are the coolest!  It’s really wonderful knowing that people care.  I love to write-it’s always been a passion of mine and it doesn’t even make me fat lol. 

I find that blogging helps me in SO many ways.  First it gets that creativity out of me that I crave.  Additionally, it is a great way to just VENT and I find that I do better getting healthy when I know I’m going to write about it.  I don’t want to write about eating a dozen donuts, right?!  (Just for the record I haven’t actually ever eaten 12 donuts in a sitting – maybe like 4 or 5 is my “record” lol)

I do have so many blessings in my life, despite the dramatic past lol.  (You should know I’m singing “Let it Go’ right now in my head).  I have a job.  Adam, my husband is very supportive (can you just imagine hearing this complaining and whining all night lol poor, poor man hee hee jk I bring good things to the table too thank God).  And our little princess Sammi, or should I say ‘Queen Elsa’.  Check out the gorgeous pics below-her Nana got her this Elsa outfit and look how ecstatic she was about it!

 Isn’t she aDORABLE!!!  So how can I dare complain about anything!  I just want to slap myself in the face. I have so much!  I’m very blessed. People have serious problems and all the starving kids in 3rd world countries, but I cry because I ate too many big macs? HA!

I know I sound really hard on myself, but it is only because I don’t want to use these age-old excuses anymore.  Yes I miss my Mom – suicide (albeit accidental hopefully) is a bitch.  And things with my dad were pretty crazy for a few years but get over it.  I know I won’t forget and things have their toll, but I can’t just cry and keep eating donuts and say “Well I’ve had a tough life.”

 Actually I could do that, but I don’t want to anymore because I want to live and I want to do the things I’ve always wanted to do.  I’m so close to 500 pounds it TERRIFIES me.  That is why I have to get down to business.

But I do still love myself.  I feel I’m pretty (more so when I actually do my hair and wear make-up lol).  I wasn’t exactly beaten with the ugly stick, and besides all my blessings I do have a lot of talents.  I guess it’s just annoying that this weakness for food can have such a DRASTIC effect on your life.  And so horrible that everyone can see it at every moment – it’s shameful when it gets this bad.  At my weight, I’m to where the little kids are pointing me out to their friends like I’m some circus freak or something (shit I should start charging to look at me lol).  But the biggest thing is that I’M MISSING OUT ON LIFE!  I won’t do that to my daughter or my husband.  I don’t want us not to be able to go on vacations etc and not be able to do so many things as a family that I can’t do very well right now.  So that is why it’s so critical for me.

But this being fat shit is just SO overwhelming.  I walk from my room to the kitchen and it just hurts so bad.  My feet are swollen- my back kills me.  I’m trying to have one more kid and it just isn’t happening.  Now I have sleep apnea and high blood pressure.  I could go on and on about how miserable it is.

And not too many pounds ago I could still go the zoo and do other normal things, but now it just feels like with every 10 pounds I gain, some fun activity gets crossed off the list.  I don’t want to deal with that anymore.  I just want to get to where I can go to Lagoon and ride the rides again and ride a bike and play soccer.  I don’t need to be a size 0 or be a major athlete, but I just want to be healthy!  I so deserve it!  I need to take better care of myself!  Enough is enough!

I know I am beautiful and a great person, but I don’t love the ‘fat’ part, it must go.  Enough!  I can’t feel sorry for myself and mope and ignore that this is killing me.  I’m not going to be hard on myself either, but enough wallowing.  Time to get out my inner strength and put it to use.