I wanna kick someone in the balls.....

Well dear reader, nothing can prepare you for such ugliness as this post.  I truly wish to enlighten and inspire, but it is not in me today. Forgive me for being a ‘Debbie downer’(oh yikes sorry to my sister Deb lol) tonight.  Take it as what NOT to do.

I’m heartedly ashamed of myself today.  You would have seen a dark glimpse into my soul tonight if you had been there.

I’m not even sure what exactly brought it on. Work was unbearably long and kind of frustrating.  I can’t help but miss my days working from home when I could work out with Lisa and have a little more freedom.  I’m also struggling with a non-people type of job.  Sometimes I feel like I’m the video monkey.  Crank me up and I’ll spit out a script and a video.  And then I slap in my face for daring to complain when so many are jobless. What right have I who has so many blessing and a good-paying job and a wonderful family?

But do you ever have those days where everything just seems to go wrong?  I yelled at Adam tonight and haven’t been able to stop crying for the last hour. My evil twin Molly (hey I’m a Gemini after all lol) has reared her ugly head all day.

I’m just in so much pain tonight – physically and emotionally that I just can’t keep it together.

But what angers me is that it is my own doing.  “You ate it” my grandma used to say. And damnit I just want a maple donut!  But yeah, I know that just makes EVERYTHING worse, but GD, I want one SO bad.

And again, I’m being an idiot.  I’m doing something about my problems and I lost 5 pounds in ONE week.  That’s incredible, so again, how can I be down in the dumps?  I just seriously can’t stop crying. 

I saw a baby and it just broke my heart.  I could probably have another now if it wasn’t for my selfish desires.  That kills me-just rips me up inside (drama alert). 

One of my biggest weaknesses is patience.  I’m trying SO hard to be positive (you know, BEFORE today lol) and patient, but when I almost weight 500 pounds, well YOU do the math.  When you have like 300 pounds to lose (shit that’s like the Olsen twins, Paris, and Nicole) well shit its hard to be patient when you see the long road ahead. SO very long.  Can I endure it?  Can I?  Well I must-there is no other way.  I can’t be like this anymore – the joint pain, the back pain – my feet.  Curses!  And again, I hate that I complain over what is my own fault.  Oh pathetic creature.

I feel like the weakest being on the planet.  Every day I will put one foot forward I swear to God on my life, but I may cry about it every day and be a horrible bitch to everyone. Because when you are a fattie, you NEED that damn food to feel better.  THAT is what it is.  I have no vice I guess – no outlet.  And yes, I know that is pathetic and lame.  Find a different outlet blah blah blah.  Just exercise when you want a donut.  Well I can’t exercise every moment peeps.

What is it about food that I think I need – or why do I need it?!!!  What does it give me that I don’t already have???!!!!  I have so much – what the f**k is my problem!

Well then, deal with it right?  Solve it and shut up.

Still on the pursuit of happiness, just feeling rather miserable about it today.

::Rolls eyes::: Oh I’m like those contestants on Biggest Loser who are crying on the treadmill that everyone is making fun of for being so weak.

But I’m still working on it, so HUGE kudos for that.  And I am doing something about it, just wish the road wasn’t so hard and long to get where my dreams come true.