Dead Mom Letters #2 - July 89

 

Dear Mom,

I keep wondering when the hell I won’t be sick lol. It is pretty rough on me.  I can barely keep up with being a mom, working, and working out when I’m healthy! It’s almost been four weeks now. How crazy is that! My poor husband.  I’m pretty sure you must have had something to do with that.  You knew I needed a very P-A-T-I-E-N-T  man.  He is my rock.

It was a pretty rough weekend for me at first.  Friday night I went to the instacare as I kept getting worse – for the first time ever antibiotics were not friend.  I was kind of freaked out as my oxygen was down to 87.  They ordered a chest x-ray to check for pneumonia.  How scary is that!  It ended up being that I have bronchitis and everything is getting worse not from my gigantic tonsils but from my asthma.  So I’m following up tomorrow with the doc.  Holy shitballs I have paid a lot of copays lately.  Thank you insurance!

These last two days have been TORTURE mom, for SO many reasons.  I just want a DONUT.  Can’t believe it is so hard to be good.  It’s like there is this really evil fat lady inside me that just wants to eat the hell out of everything bad for you.

Finally went to the doctor today (Tuesday) AGAIN and he reviewed Friday’s trip to the instacare and the last 2 times.  Basically in 8 weeks I’ve been sick for almost 6 weeks of it.  How crazy is that!  It all stems from my asthma so now I have bronchitis, but at least I have some good meds to keep it under good control and then I need to gargle some stuff and do the nasal rinse.

It’s funny cuz he told me not to work out the rest of the week so my asthma can recover-my lungs etc.  Ha ha, doctor has never told me that before!

I was going to work out with Dad today.  Oh Mom, wait until you hear all the shit about dad lol.  Gotta love him, but holy cow DRAMA.  But that will come later.

July 1989 – Part 2

 

It’s funny how you truly have no idea how horrible it is losing someone until it actually happens.  I mean, I remember being sad when I had heard of deaths, either from friends or from the news and so forth.

Did you ever have it hit you really hard Mom when someone died?  I still remember that feeling, though it was 25 years ago when it sunk it that we lost you.  Words are completely inadequate.  It’s this pain deep-down in your very soul. 

A heartache so strong you can barely walk, talk, or do anything.  You simply lose your will to do anything, and nothing in the world matters any longer.  The cold and depth of this crushing anguish utterly consumes you.

 The neighbors were so sweet Mom, coming over to offer condolences and food, though it’s the last thing you want to do is eat.  I remember a lot of my friends were at camp, so I often retreated into your room and laid on your pillow. I realized how it still smelled like you and I wanted to remember and capture that smell forever. I tried so hard to remember the last time I kissed and hugged you but I couldn’t and I was so upset that I couldn’t remember such a simple thing. Perhaps our minds block us from things too painful to bear.

 I remember for those first few nights we all slept in Laurie’s room.  There was this horrid feeling that someone else would go, this totally irrational fear, but it was like you didn’t want to sleep in case someone else would leave.  Sounds silly now, but the feeling was so real.  I didn’t want to chance it, so we spent every second together.  Not exactly the way we expected to spend the last days of summer.

 

I love you so much!!!

 

Holly