WIOness & Weepiness :)

And G-U-I-L-T-Y Was her Name-o

Recap:

On Thurs. Mar 15, 2012, I started this journey with the Weight is Over program, created by Jason Whitney.  The program reboots your pancreas.  The first few days were a challenge, but since then I haven’t been hungry, its easy to follow and I AM SEEING RESULTS! Seriously I am the weakest being on the planet people, if I can do this, you certainly can!

Holly Bawly

So Sammi is amazing, she was so cute for Easter.  She loved the bunny ducks she got and all her other fun things.  And of course she looked beautiful as she always does.  So fun to have the first Easter?

So why can I not stop crying?  I feel like I’m so overreacting, like I’m on my period or pregnant which neither of which is true. 

Do you ever just feel like you failed at like everything lately?  And it’s one thing if you weren’t trying, but when you really gave it all you had, and you failed, somewhere it feels worse.

Like the most important thing to me in the world is being a mom, and I accidentally let her fall today.  Thank God she is okay, but its hard not playing the what if game.  Then sometimes I feel guilty for studying when I could be playing with her, and I keep wondering should I really be going to school right now?  It seemed so right at the time, and its too late to go back now, so I need to make the most of it.  I guess I am just sad she is growing up so fast.  She is going to be one in 2 months.  How is that possible?  I just focus on enjoying every moment, which is why the whole school thing is hard.

Not just for that but also because I feel like I’m not doing my ‘wifely’ duties lol.  I’m so tired and I nag more.  I just feel like I don’t do as much for him anymore because of studying.  It’s so hard trying to do it all, which is hilarious because I have ONE baby.  Kudos to you women out there with several kids.  I know I don’t even have a clue yet.  And Adam is awesome to take Sammi to bed.  We have a pretty good system down.  We spend time together in the mornings during the week and after I get her from the babysitters I play with her for about an hour and then I study until Adam comes home and I do dinner.  Then we hang out with Sammi for about an hour, then she goes to bed.

I don’t really know what the catalyst was this weekend, but I find myself so weak and weepy at everything.  Things that would normally make me shrug and I maybe would be bugged for a minute and forget in 5 minutes are bringing me to tears.

It was my turn to do Easter.  It’s always so hard trying to figure out the best time.  Unfortunately only 2 of us have houses on my family’s side so Jen and I trade off hosting.  I guess with school and everything it was just hard this year.

I was seriously optimistic, thinking everything would be great.  My attitude was awesome.  I had everything planned to the t.  Because some have expressed how they didn’t like celebrating holidays not on the holiday, I thought this time we would for sure celebrate it on the holiday.  But then my sister wasn’t going to have the kids today, so we split it out having the Easter Egg Hunt yesterday and the luncheon today.  I okayed the time with my family and then with Adam’s and all was golden.  Friday night had been awesome as we went out for our anniversary.

I couldn’t have been more prepared really.  All seemed almost too easy.  We were bringing stuffed mushrooms to both family parties and a breakfast casserole to Easter breakfast at my in-laws.  I did everything I could to make it so that I wouldn’t be stressed and I could do as much before if at all possible.  My eggs for the Easter egg hunt and our easter treats for everyone were done way in advance. So yesterday morning we prepared the mushrooms, all but stuffing them.  After cleaning etc, my family came and the Easter egg hunt was awesome.  We had snacks outside and then everyone stayed late playing Kinect sports which was so much fun.  Seriously had a blast with the family.  After that I made Sammi’s and my Easter bonnet for the next day for Adam’s family’s party.

Then today everything just went to pot somehow.  I got up at 5:30 and got the casserole in the oven, got the ham in the crock-pot and stuffed a zillion mushrooms.  I did more than usual for both parties as we always seem to run out.  We then had our own family Easter and got ready, took longer than expected so we were a little late at the breakfast at his mom’s.  Everything was going kind of late.  They are so sweet to get us a basket Adam and I to share and all this fun stuff for Sammi.  It was so much fun.  Then a comment from a couple of people just really got to me and I had to go to the car and cry.  I’d tried so hard to make everyone happy and get to all of the parties.  So we were late for the party being at our own house.  Thankfully Laurie only had to wait 5 minutes and thankfully everyone else was late.  We had a nice lunch with my family and had fun outside again.  Then the other family party (Adam’s extended family party) was at 2.  They knew we would be a little late.  I was so emotional still and just couldn’t get over things.  Then of course feeling stupid guilty again (oh my hell I hate guilt-hate that I feel it, even when I know I shouldn’t its still there) for being late and then that’s when I dropped Sammi.  Good Lord.  Could it get any worse for my emotions today?  Other stupid things not even worth mentioning have been hurting my feel-bads all day and night.  Its insane.  Yesterday I did so good on the diet, today I waivered.  I had some breakfast casserole that I shouldn’t have, a bite of cake, and a roll for goodness sake today.  That’s so many carbs I want to cry lol.  But Adam just reminded me that when I have gone off other diets I eat a huge piece of cake, candy, and like lots of pizza or something before I go back on, so he reminded me this time is different.  He said he knows I won’t cheat again except maybe on huge holidays but just a little.  That made me feel good and I know he is right.  This time is different.

I don’t why the hell Holly Bawly is back in my life lately, but she can cry all she wants to, I’m still getting focused, getting my life back.  Drink water, follow the diet, and exercise.  That’s how I roll know (stupid bread roll lol)