Dead Mom Letters #11 - January 1990

Hello Again Mother!

Nostalgia

Just a few moments ago, little Sammi was playing with my old dollhouse.  Oh Mom, remember how many hours we spent playing in those lovely houses Grandpa made?!!!!  So many fun memories there.  I remember we called it playing ‘people’ and had the fisher price people in it.  Remember how you guys had those speaker/intercom things in our rooms so that you could hear when we were still up playing ‘people’?  I remember one night we unplugged them so we could keep playing….I remember one night we all screamed when a REAL mouse ran through the house.  That was so funny.

Oh your dad was so creative-all that amazing furniture he made!  What an amazing childhood we had!  I’m pretty sure you and Grandpa Dyer were watching these moments:  (dollhouse & at gymnastics) 

 

I want to make sure Sammi has as happy a childhood as I did.  I so wish I could talk to you about dealing with anger. I feel like I struggle with this like you did, and least to a small degree.  I can go to 0 to 10 in like a second and scream.  I don’t get violent ever, but I just don’t want to scream at my family.  It is something I work on constantly.

I try not to think about the times – you know the times I mean when you got a little too upset.  I remember being scared several times.  But I really think Mom that you were bipolar and never diagnosed.  And that side hardly ever came out.  Those are pretty ugly memories I wish I could forget.  A lot of broken plates.  A couple ‘hush hush’ trips to the ER.  The cops being called.  But Mom, you were amazing.  I know that wasn’t you.  That wasn’t the real you, and I want you to know I forgive you for those times completely, and it is NOT how I remember you.

Want to know what I remember Mom? 

I remember so many kisses and hugs. I remember being able to go to you about ANYTHING.  I remember you always caring about us and us being your whole world.  We had so many fun times as a family.  We had wonderful trips, we always had dance lessons, played soccer, instruments etc.  We wanted for nothing.  We had a trampoline and a swingset, computers. The HUGEST Christmas’ ever!  But we weren’t just spoiled with ‘things’, but we also had your love.  All those game nights!  Reading as a family.  You loved and encouraged us to be the best we could be.  You taught us discipline as we had chores before and after school. I’m grateful for that Mom. 

Happy Days

Family really helps you through the rough times, right?  Oh I seriously can’t wait Mom until April 9^th, and not just because we are going on a trip for our anniversary.  The ‘Secret’ is coming to a close then and I will no longer be plagued by it (hopefully lol).  On person in particular and I really had it out on Friday.  I seriously lashed back at this person which was totally unprofessional.  I just was so offended by an accusation that day.  I have never felt so watched before, except by a landlord Gloria I had when I was roomies with Laurie Hansen (that’s a whole different story!).  So just a few more days, but I will probably see this person and it is just so awkward!

January 1990

In previous blogs I started talking about school that year in 9^th grade. It was all about Quest – that program you got me into and my friends within it.  My favorite classes were Seminary and History.

I’m pretty sure you had something to do with Rose Jacklin being a teacher.  She was more than a teacher to me and listened to many tearful rants.  I often wonder what she is up to Mom as it has been many, many years.  I’ll have to ask Christian who I think is on my facebook friends.

But back to 1990, and speaking of Christian, I find this particularly funny:

January 24^th, 1990 9:37 PM

I really LOVE Christian James Peo still.  His birthday is April 12^th……

January 25^th, 1990 9:06 PM

I have definitely made up my mind that I love Jason.  I cannot deny it.  Jason Brown is so special to me.  He told me I should turn my poem ‘Oh My Aching Heart’ into a song and make millions.

(Oh teenage girls are fun!  Lol.  And this had made me realize that I have been dieting for 20+ years now.  I was on Nutri-System and weighed 182 pounds.  I would actually LOVE to weigh that now and would be just fine.  J)

I finally wrote about your death with all the full details (love how I include the time)

Feb 6, 1990 @ 7AM

MY MOTHER’S DEATH:

There are some things that I need to write about – especially my mother’s death.  I need to get some feelings out in the open, or else they will haunt me forever.

First of all, my mother died last year on July 28^th at 5:00 AM in the morning. It was a Friday morning in the summer.  WE founder her around 5:00, but they said she must’ve died at around 1 or 2.  MY dad was the one who found her.  He came downstairs bawling.  Debbie, Jeni, Laurie and I were all sleeping in Debbie’s room.  The very sad thing was that the night before we were all in a very big argument with my Mother.  Deb, Jen, Laurie, and I were all taking about her.  We were not saying kind things either.  I even said “Mom is so hard to live with.  I mean she doesn’t act normal like a mother should.” Even before this, the last thing I said to her was ‘I hate you!” But while we were talking in Jeni’s room and I was saying all those mean things, she must have died two hours later.  Why didn’t I go upstairs?!!!  I could have saved her.  She could be here right now, right upstairs.  I don’t know why he took her.  She was only forty!  For 2 months.

The night before, while my sisters and I were talking about my Mother, my Mother and Father were arguing.  They were yelling and stuff.  But then my Father told us what happened while we were downstairs.  HE and my Mother made up and he said “Let’s to to bed.  Don’t worry over anything.”  My Mother was happy and agreed to it, but she said I’ll come in a few minutes.  I guess she fell asleep.  She must have died peacefully, because she didn’t make any noise.

Now the hard part:  describing what she looked like.  I’ll never forget what she looked like.  Her head was back far, as if she had used her last breath of air…I can’ believe it was her!....her hands were clinging to a bottle of Afrin (nasal spray) and some chapstick…She had the afghan that her Mother made wrapped around her.  I don’t think my Mother suffered too much because we didn’t hear anything.  I wonder if she knew she was going to die.  I believe she did.  I also think that she went to each of us when she had to go to say goodbye.  What makes me angry is that no one knows what happened….I know that my Mother didn’t commit suicide…..

I’m glad I got so spend 14 glorious years with her.  Thank you Heavenly Father.

The Truth

I found out years later Mom about a few things.  I found out about the Darvon that was found in your system – an overdose.  I found out about the prescription drugs and occasional drinking.  One time you took too much and had dad give you Ipecac.  I’m pretty sure it was an accidental overdose.  At least I hope Mom.

Love,

Me J